“Prayer Meeting” by Michelle Bitting

“Prayer Meeting” by Michelle Bitting is our Poem of the Week.

Michelle Bitting was short-listed for the 2023 CRAFT Character Sketch Challenge, the 2020 Montreal International Poetry Prize, and a finalist for the 2021 Coniston Prize and 2020 Reed Magazine Edwin Markham Prize. She is the author of six poetry collections, including Nightmares & Miracles (Two Sylvias Press, 2022), winner of the Wilder Prize and recently named one of Kirkus Reviews 2022 Best of Indie. Her chapbook Dummy Ventriloquist is forthcoming in 2024. Bitting is writing a hybrid novel about her great-grandmother, stage and screen actor Beryl Mercer, and is a Senior Lecturer in Creative Writing and Literature at Loyola Marymount University.
 

Prayer Meeting

an ars poetica with a line by Terrance Hayes
 
I wanted to start with the orange light
and end with the lemon tree. The old
Ford was a lemon, and I wanted
the dashboard’s flashing emergency
to dénouement into a poet’s stately
haiku. Ripe fruit resting at the end
of a heavily winnowed branch. Looking
to be plucked or simply contemplated,
depending on if you are here to appreciate
miracles or slice them open, drizzle
honey and suck the dueling notes
of sweet & sour until you’re a fusion
of flavored smoke inside the beekeeper’s
billow. I have been that unafraid and I have
welcomed the inspection of my hives.
How often they make no sense while
admitting a chemical order. The poem
as life as moment propped on a stem
of green nutrients unveiling its sting.
Pieces of puzzle made into keys
for unlocking bones of the inscrutable
self. Or hole in the mirror. Which is reason to
search my glove compartment for
a manual to fix anything. So we can
get somewhere. Pages rifled that connect signs
& sounds with a feeling inside
like a psalm taking flight over the weeping fields
where blackbirds are sleeping
. A poem
the bible or muse open to interpretation.
Scripture as invention that comes in handy say
my relatives from the cleave in the middle of
the country. A new view like a miracle they
say can happen. And I can agree
in the same way I know gods might appear
out of nowhere. Even this small flock
of neon green parrots flashing early along
winter skies. Boisterous & flamboyant
as emerald matadors shaking sequined
sleeves across an eternity of air. Or the wet
& trembling jewels of late November rain.
Ecstasy and a man surprising himself naked
& wild leaping from the tub where the gold
of unknowing is more precious than its
mineral value, with the weight of what’s
suppressed in the waiting. After your theatrical
set the audience erupting. How it was then
that the Volta made her dramatic essence known
inside a buzzing cacophony of praise & fluster.
Noise falling away like ready lemons from
a limb. Time stopping as when a haiku breathes
or spreads its momentary feathers. How
your face pivoted my direction inside
the adoring cloud like a bird or knife
in flight looking to land and my warning
lights flushed red. My comportments
opened. Instruction pages laying themselves
bare, holy as apparitions. In the end, it was
the beginning, and the good word was you
out of nowhere turning to ask, Is there somewhere
I’m supposed to be?
And me not hesitating
to answer, Where is it you’d like to go?
 

Author’s Note

I was at a literary luncheon in Los Angeles, and after we finished eating, we made a circle. The leaders passed around notebooks with a haiku by Victoria Chang about a lemon tree as a prompt, to get our generative juices flowing. We took some minutes to reflect and scribble our thoughts in response. Someone mentioned the unexpected warning light of her engine that morning. As if on cue, two of us lobbed the old bane about cars and sour fruit. I gave myself the challenge of writing a piece that would begin with worry and end with calm, but with all sorts of epic shit in between. Of course, that’s not exactly what happened. I started the poem, and a few days later, after attending the Southern California Poetry Festival at Beyond Baroque, I was inspired in a new and unexpected way and proceeded to “finish” it.
 

 

 

 


Image credit: Alexis Rhone Fancher

“Vegetable Stories” by Rohini Sunderam

In Rohini Sunderam’s “Vegetable Stories,” first published in TMR issue 45.3 (Fall 2022), an unconsummated romance buds, flourishes, withers, and endures in dormant form for two people who communicate their feelings for each other through vegetables, stories, and art.

Vegetable Stories

Rohini Sunderam

 

Gurgaon in the 1980s still had an air of innocence. The roads were dusty and potholed. The trees were young, their new leaves touched with gold. Stray dogs, pigs, and cats, the occasional peacock, and families of monkeys lived alongside the ironing man and vegetable sellers, kerbside tailors, the families of retired servicemen, rich and poor and middle class.

She was thirteen years old when she first went to the street vendors to buy vegetables for her mother. With all that thirteen means: borderline woman, still a child, angry chin thrust forward in defiance of age and wisdom and, in her case, suspicion, born from having had a father snatched by unfeeling Fate.

To him, all of fifteen and trying to look older, she was almost a goddess. He squatted on the pavement with his straw mat and balance scale, awaiting his first customer on his first day at the market. She walked straight to his stall to buy vegetables, and he was ensnared. Her almond eyes were ringed with lashes black as pepper; her creamy skin was like tea made with milk, and her lips were almost as pink as the skin on the onions he sold.

“How much?” she asked peremptorily, her defiant chin bobbing upward.

He quoted a reasonable price.

“Too much. Tell me the right, right price,” she demanded, her eyes large and brown as nutmegs.

His heart shrivelled in the hot breath of her scorn. He lowered the price and lost his profit; he had much to learn. All day he was mortified, the bitter-gourd taste of defeat in his throat.

Determined not to lose out again, he listened to the other vegetable and fruit sellers quote their prices and quickly learnt how to play his clientele.

A few days later, he said in mock sorrow, “Things are expensive. But for you, miss, I can make it a few paisa less.” He then offered a marginally lower price, having started with a much higher one. “Besides,” he added, “my vegetables are special.”

“How so?” A tiny ploughshare of worry made her eyebrows furrow just so.

He took a deep breath—he would not let that luminous beauty of her face distract him—and looked askance at her feet.

“They’re from my father’s farm,” he lied. “Specially watered with sugar water. If you brown the onions on a low flame, they impart a special sweetness to the curry. Tell your cook-woman that’s how to use them.”

“We don’t have a cook-woman. My mother cooks.”

“Tell her, then.” He looked up, challenging her presumed superiority.

Her pink onionskin lips compressed, and she raised a single regal eyebrow. But she met his gaze and didn’t look over his head or down at the vegetables spread out on his mat. Brown eyes met brown eyes.

She was startled by his light skin and curly mass of hair, his fine nose and dark eyebrows. From her standing position, she could look down at him as he sat on the pavement. His eyelashes curled, thick and large, with a hint of a brown cinnamon colour. Girls would die to have those, she thought.

She dropped the rupees into his proffered cap, creamy white gone sour in the dust of the place. When he returned it, she collected her change carefully. Her hands were lotus buds deftly scooping up the money, which she tied into one corner of her long scarf. Her shopping bag filled, she rushed home, limping with the weight. She pushed the gate open with her slender foot encased in a rubber flip-flop and ran through as it began its backward swing and clanged shut behind her. A warning knell: “Stay out.”

He watched her every day. An hour or so after shopping, she’d take a cycle rickshaw to school. Her satchel hung heavy on her tiny shoulders, her white salwar was neatly pressed, her purple kurta, the colour of eggplants, reached her knees. Her friends, who shared her rickshaw, chatted like myna birds at dawn. Her face was always buried in a book.

Winter came and went. Summer followed, hot as the salvo from a tandoor furnace in which the naan breads were baked down in the bazaar. Then the monsoon. The scent after the first downpour sent his pulse racing at the thought of her coming for the vegetables in the morning rain. He had in the meantime built a small platform with an awning constructed of discarded clothes knotted together and covered over with a plastic sheet to hold against the rain. Would she be as alluring as a Bollywood star, her clothes clinging and revealing? He was a mere vegetable seller; he could only imagine and keep his thoughts to himself.

She came. Carrying an umbrella. Her clothes were dry. Her flip-flops squelched in the mud. Her eyes danced at the raindrops. But when she reached him and his little stall with his growing selection of choice vegetables, her eyes turned sullen as the clouds, and she asked, “How much?” following it with her usual morning litany, “Too much. Tell me the right, right price.”

The world was perfect.

He learnt, through chatting with the colony’s watchman, that her mother was a widow and took care of her ailing father. The girl was her only child.

Summer, winter flew by like the birds above. Through the searing heat and the bitter cold, he graduated from sitting on the pavement and bought a handcart. He wheeled it to the corner of the street closer to the big houses so his patrons wouldn’t have to walk that far. He also got a better view of her house. Smelt the food cooking in the kitchen beyond. The distinct scent of basmati rice. The mouthwatering smell of onions as they slowly caramelized in ghee. He’d have been a cook if he’d had the opportunity. As a Muslim, he cooked and ate meat, but she seemed to exclusively buy vegetables. Must be Hindu, he thought, as the subtle divide between them grew wider in his mind but not his heart.

Now, his selection of vegetables was enhanced with fruit. Mangoes, when they were in season. Apples from the Shimla hills. Bananas and oranges. Cape gooseberries in the winter and, very occasionally, expensive strawberries. But when she didn’t buy those, he excluded them from his selection. Perhaps their circumstances were strained. He decided he wouldn’t tempt her with what she couldn’t afford.

She was going to college now. Her mother had bought her a scooter. She wore a helmet, and her scarf flew in the wind. Strapped to the pillion were art canvases and brushes, different sizes almost every day.

Her cheeks were pale peaches with a mere hint of a blush on them. Her neck was cream with a cloud of tea, and her breasts he dared not think of as he arranged the mangoes artistically on his handcart that now stood next to a bricked platform. Business had been good. He had purchased the rights for the space from the temple behind him. He’d spun his tales of vegetables and fruit acquired from far and near to all who’d listen. He invented stories about the delivery truck from his father’s farm and the difficulties it faced on its journey. He created myths about the special seeds or cuttings acquired from Kashmir, replanted in the rich Haryana soil that had done so well.

His clients increased, but still he looked only for her in the crowd.

There were mornings when she still came, with her “How much?” and “Tell me the right, right price.”

His stories grew more elaborate. “These mangoes,” he said, the first time he offered them. “My grandfather planted the trees and, like the old Kashmiri farmers, sang ghazals to them. Now they are producing these sweeter than anything in the market. Go try the others if you don’t believe me.”

She still said her usual piece, but now she sometimes added a soft “How are you?”

One day she arrived at the vegetable handcart, and he wasn’t there. Her heart missed a beat. “Who are you?” she demanded of the youth who was manning the cart.

“His cousin,” he replied. “I’m helping him for a month.”

“Where is he?” Her words came out hard and angry.

“Gone to the village,” the cousin replied.

“What happened? Why?”

“To get married.”

She gasped. Her heart shrivelled. He’s only a vegetable seller, she thought. I just like hearing his stories. It had to happen … it had to happen. What am I thinking?

She ordered her vegetables in a dull monotone. The cousin didn’t tell her stories about the okra and how they had to save it from the birds by placing an earthenware pot on a stick with a face painted so black and scary that even she would be afraid. He said nothing about why the peas they sold were especially fresh and sweet, succulent and snappy, and how she should tell her mother that all they needed was a bit of ginger, sautéed with a single onion delicately sliced into the finest rings with nothing more than salt and pepper and then tossed on a high flame, switched off as soon as the bright green reached its maximum. Thereafter they were to be eaten instantly with chapati or, if one was feeling particularly grand, naan and a dollop of thick cream.

The month he was away dragged by, slow as the gur molasses her mother sometimes made.

Her heart and eyes lit up when he returned. “Mubarak!” she greeted him. “I heard you got married.” The words were almost too hard to say, and her chest constricted, but she wanted to see his reaction.

He blushed. “She’s in the village.” His cheeks were beetroots in the glinting sun. His hands were fists drawn so tight he could have crushed walnuts.

A strange melancholy tugged at her heart all day.

“You’re not paying attention, Lata,” her art teacher scolded her.

Her cheeks flamed a dusky pink like the little radishes they used for salad.

It shouldn’t, it doesn’t matter, she thought. I don’t even know his name.

When she returned home, an itch in her fingers wouldn’t leave her until she’d completed a canvas. “It’s just that I’ve known him so long, and time is slipping away for me, too.”

Winter. Summer. Came and went. The clouds swept by. Monsoon rains brought relief from the pulsating heat.

She graduated from college, majoring in fine art.

“How will that help us?” her mother had berated her when she’d shared her decision. “Art is not going to get us more food! Things are expensive.”

She said it again when the girl’s grandfather died. He was gnarled and dry like gingerroot forgotten in the basket. “The funeral expenses are more than I can handle,” she sobbed, clutching her stomach and rocking on her chair.

“We can rent out his room,” Lata suggested.

“Who will marry you, then?” her mother shouted. “People suspect tenants and the girls who share their roofs.”

And so they’d eked out an existence on her father’s pension and her grandfather’s savings, such as they were.

She drew and painted. Canvas was expensive, and not many folk bought art. Her paintings were of fruit and vegetables, flowers and birds. The style was like the old masters: realistic, not impressionistic. The only portraits she’d done were of her grandfather supine in bed in his many moods. They gave one to the doctor who paid house calls.

The others were of her mother, cooking in the kitchen, stark pen and ink. Only the vegetables were in full colour and fine detail. The gentle curve of the eggplant, the saucy firmness of the tomatoes, the erotic fullness of the bananas, voluptuous apples and mangoes that only seemed to take on these attributes in the portraits, especially the portraits she made of the vegetable seller. They were titled, Vegetable Seller, Study One, Study Two, and so on. Even he was in pen and ink, a mere suggestion of his cap and curly hair in one, his piercing eyes in another, the strong sinews of his arm, the tight curl of his eyelashes.

She had an exhibition in Delhi, and almost all the portraits sold. She came home exhilarated. “Maa! The art you hated, it’s bringing us money!” The tears that had danced in her eyes all the way home in the taxi spilled out in pure pleasure and pride.

“You are talented, darling, but it’s not a steady living.” Her mother held her close like no one ever had.

An offer of marriage came through an aunt who was her mother’s cousin. The boy suggested seemed nice, an air force man like her father. Her heart leapt. She could continue to paint. That was all she’d ever wanted to do.

She went to buy vegetables for the marriage feast. It had been some time since she’d been to buy vegetables or indeed even thought of going to the sector market.

When had his cart changed into the store nearby? In her heart, she was sure it was his store. She stood and stared at it. At last she knew his name: “Aftab’s Fresh Vejetables & Froot” the sign declared. She smiled at the spelling.

There he was, sitting cross-legged on the raised dais. He’d filled out and looked even more handsome. He exuded a quiet confidence.

“It’s been a long time.” He leaned forward in greeting and smiled, his eyes crinkled at the corner. Something new. His hair was as thick and curly and wild as ever. He sported a beard and typical Kashmiri cap.

“Well,” she laughed, the combative air that had always been a part of her connection with him finally settled into a truce, “I am getting married.” She declared this and watched his face.

He turned away so she wouldn’t see his pain as he scrambled off his dais. “Mubarak!” He continued looking away from her and forcing his facial muscles to relax, although his heart shrank. He came down to the floor level to greet her. “What do you need? I am expanding the store. We have dry goods as well now. Flour, dal, spices, cooking oil.”

“From your father’s farm?” she teased him.

“That was a long time ago.” He blushed. “There are new stories. The vegetables have journeyed from my village by truck. Through the dust and the night, the lorry driver had a difficult time. He had to avoid a ditch as another oncoming lorry had so many lights on top and around that he was blinded.”

Once again, she was a young girl-woman, listening to vegetable stories.

By the time she’d ordered all that they needed and his little helper had carried the basket loads to her home, his heart twisted inside as the old pain of his love for her spread like a cloud of ink in water.

A few nights later, he heard the drums and the festive sounds of the wedding. He caught a glimpse of the groom on his pale white horse. An air force officer. She would be happy, and that was all that mattered. His fruit and vegetables smelt fecund and overripe. He needed air, went up on the terrace of his building, and tried to see what he could of the wedding, the moon, and the stars. He saw nothing, as a shower of rain poured out through his eyes. “I have no right,” he wept.

The following summer was particularly hot. Illness and disease ran rampant. With the monsoon, there was an outbreak of malaria.

The girl’s mother was alone now. A woman came and cleaned and cooked for her. Somehow, the food smells weren’t quite as alluring as they’d once been. Or, he wondered, had his nose been deadened by the dust and pollution, the black diesel smoke of the auto rickshaws that threatened to spoil the crisp freshness of his fruit and vegetables?

With the dawn of the first day of winter, a wailing greeted him in his room above the store. It was so close. His dream of yellow flowers in mustard fields and her smiling through them at him was shattered. He rushed across to investigate and learnt that the old lady had succumbed to malaria.

The wails from the cleaning woman were peacock-raucous.

He banged at the neighbour’s gate. “The daughter needs to be informed.”

The cleaning woman-cum-cook was incoherent with distress. She sat on the floor, beating it with her hands. “What will become of me? Who will tell the daughter? Where will I go?”

In all these years, it was the first time he’d been inside the house.

The neighbour looked through the old lady’s phone book and found a number. Calls were made. He agreed to meet her at Delhi airport in his small pickup truck.

The funeral was a blur. He was in and out of the house. His son came from the village to look after the store. He helped her with the arrangements but didn’t accompany her to the cremation.

“In the end,” she wept, “you are my only support. I cannot thank you enough.”

“I don’t need thanks. But what about him, couldn’t he come?” The word “husband” was too hard for him to use directly. It would burn his tongue to say it.

“He’s on duty, in the air force. He can’t leave.” Her tears subsided.

“Call me if you need anything.”

A few days later, she came to the store. “I have to sell the house. Do you know anyone who can help me sell it?”

“How much do you want?” he asked. It was the first time that question had come from him. “Tell me the right, right price.” His eyes crinkled.

For all the tears that hung in her eyes, she smiled. “I have a story, if you want to buy. It’s about a girl who loved shopping for vegetables.”

She left, taking all that had belonged to her mother. “There are still some things in the house. You can keep them if you want.”

He moved in a few weeks later and walked slowly through each empty room, breathing in her perfume that still hung in the air. In the smallest bedroom there were some canvases wrapped in plastic. He ripped through the covering, his fingers impatient. There were three paintings. The vegetables were rich and full and sensuous, the colours alive. The sepia tint of the ink in one showed a head full of curly hair. Another in a deep brown ink showed an arm with sinews traced in intense detail. In the third one he met his own eyes. Nut brown, edged with thick, curly lashes that stared back at him, reflecting a life of love that couldn’t be.

He stared at it until the lines blurred.

***

Rohini Sunderam, a Canadian of Indian origin, calls both Halifax, Nova Scotia, and Bahrain home. A semiretired copywriter, she has published prose and poetry in the Poet; the Statesman, India; OAPSchat; Globe & Mail; and Halifax Herald. When not writing, she enjoys tending to the plants on her tiny balcony and long phone conversations with her children.

 

 

 

 


Header image: Rudolf II of Habsurg or Vertumnus (1591), Giuseppe Arcimboldo

“Gone For Always” by James Braun

“Gone For Always” by James Braun is our Poem of the Week.

James Braun’s work has appeared and is forthcoming in Fiction International, Puerto del Sol, DIAGRAM, Bayou Magazine, filling Station, and elsewhere. James is currently a second-year fiction candidate at the Iowa Writers’ Workshop, where he recently won the John Logan Poetry Prize.
 

Gone for Always

under a straw hat that crimps when knocked
from headrest to steering wheel     our father
hellbent on an anywhere     steers this shitbox
breakneck on doglegs     down switchbacks
headlong through guardrails over cliffsides
our treads pressed in furrows of cornfields
with piled in back     us backseat brothers
along with our father and his all-over drive

sometimes the woods we drive by are rivers
are buttes of coulees     sometimes black ice
stands in for heat you can touch a fever
rising up from the blacktop     sometimes
we backtrack so we become where we began
sometimes our faces are that of busses full
of schoolchildren who wear hangdog faces
that peer out at these parts of us already gone

our father not long into all this kicks out
the windshield with a bootheel     from then
on we peer out of goggles against mosquitoes
we snap our mouths shut lest we get our teeth
black with bugs     we have to quiet ourselves
as our father drives on with gardening gloves
a scarecrow at the helm     a row of pinestraw
between his canines     he who drives nonstop

southbound     northbound     a gooseneck lane
with hubcaps loosed by potholes along ditches
a gas gauge low-sitting like a backwater skiff
our ramshackle car     a tumbledown house
topping out at most at eighty-nine     ninety
now without our teardrop trailer since a mile
or two back we lost to a jackknife     no rest
for us     no pitstop     no filling station in sight

we make of this living the best brothers can
we siphon out of each other a drip of mud
rivers inside us that keep our shitbox alive
we trail out the window a kite     a trotline
cast to the wind for fish     a crab a catfish
my brother with a trowel he starts a garden
on the dash     he plants a row of parsnips
on off days we scrounge our seats for dimes

an abyss the size of a nickel     and up front
our father nods off     to the sound of distant
thunderheads that signal a car wash coming
his fingers     they stutter     against the wheel
spillover coffee on his cuffs     hairpin lines
across his cheeks     his face a jailed thing
our father a dreamer     our tires catch a curb
only the rumble strips bring him back awake

his dreaming makes of us     two brothers
uneasy under starlight’s stippling over this
causeway bridge     both of us sweat through
as if our shirts were swatches of cheesecloth
as if we were always underwater     so when
our father busts through the rail into the river
below it is hardly any different     I only tell
my brother at this rate we’ll never get home

 

Author’s Note

“Gone For Always” arose from a number of my obsessions—with longform narrative poetry, with brothers and fathers, and with the poetics of a child speaker. The child as a vessel of the surreal. How in youth one can look at the moon and still see awe in it, having seen it before for only so many days on Earth. Only a child can find amazement in the terrible—in this case a dangerous cross-country car ride with an errant father—and discover something more-than in the experience, if only in the imagination.

This poem also exists as part of a larger project of mine, that of a book-length poem titled “On Comes the Light.” In each section, I aim to make use of situation and setting to provide movement and imagery. Road trips seemingly work well for this (I’m thinking of Elizabeth Bishop’s poem “The Moose”). The speaker can merely look out the window and say what they see, increasing the tangibility of the poem. When rendered through the eyes of a child engaged in play, the language (hopefully) takes flight.

An Interview with Genevieve Abravanel

Recently, TMR intern Shayla Malone interviewed Genevieve Abravanel about “Wilderness Survival,” which tells the story of a recently widowed mom and her young daughter, who becomes an avid follower of a YouTube survivalist, Joe Wilderness, as a way of coping with the loss of her father. First published in TMR issue 46.3 (Fall 2023), Abravanel’s effervescent story considers the bewildering process of shared healing. You can read it here.

 
Shayla Malone: What inspired you to write “Wilderness Survival”?

Genevieve Abravanel: I would say a combination of factors: one is, obliquely, my childhood; another is seeing my kids grow up with the scripted reality of YouTube, so different from my own childhood watching sitcoms and soap operas. My children don’t watch any television. They only watch YouTube. And these YouTube personalities are significant to them. Maybe not to the extent that Joe Wilderness is to Candy, who reaches out to the Internet in a sort of unconscious reckoning with her own grief, as though it were an oracle.

SM: The narrator in your story realizes how difficult it is to raise her daughter, Candy, after the death of Candy’s father. How have your own relationships with mothers and/or motherhood affected how you write about mothering?

GA: Sometimes I feel everything I write is about motherhood! I am obsessed with writing about motherhood in particular and parents and children in general: fathers and mothers, sons and daughters. I was worried about this until I heard T Kira Madden speak about writerly obsessions as something to accept and even foster. That was helpful for me because, although I do enjoy exploring other topics, I am repeatedly drawn back to this primal relationship and its variations, its complexities, and the deep way that it lives within us.

Becoming a mother was fully transformative for me, as I know it is for so many others, and I think I’m still interrogating that. The realization that another being is entirely dependent on you for their survival provokes such a radical decentering of the self. This is actually what made me a fiction writer. I had not been publishing fiction prior to becoming a parent. Which, if I think about it, is a kind of backwards way to do things, because I now have essentially zero time to do the work. However, this is just how it has gone for me.

SM: What caused you to pick wilderness survival as Candy’s method for dealing with loss?

GA: I’ve always been intrigued by wilderness survival and, particularly as a child, was interested in survival narratives of various types, whether that be in the wilderness or in an urban setting. I remember this children’s book that I loved—I can’t recall the title but it was about a boy who lived under the subway and had to survive on his wits. That said, I don’t think I personally could survive in the wilderness without someone like Candy to guide me.

I also think there’s an insecurity that comes with losing a parent or having a significant disruption as a child. Although I don’t know if I went into the story thinking this outright, it makes sense to me that with such loss or disruption, the question of material survival and independence, even preadolescent independence, becomes primary. If childhood is this uneasy balancing act, this continual negotiation between dependence and independence, I was really interested to see that happen at age ten for Candy. At ten, Candy is prior to puberty and still in that child mode but, at the same time, old enough to be capable. It’s a really interesting age.

SM: Candy’s obsession with wilderness survival is inspired by a YouTube channel starring Joe Wilderness. What is your relationship with the wilderness? Is it mediated by television or video, as it is for Candy?

GA: I do like to get out in nature, go for a hike—there’s a lot of beautiful hiking in Pennsylvania— but then I like to come home again and go to sleep in my bed. I wouldn’t say my experience of nature is especially mediated by television, but I did have a morbid fascination with some of the wilderness survival reality television out there, including one with Bear Grylls, the British wilderness survival personality. Although Joe Wilderness is definitely his own man, I do see various wilderness personalities in his make-up.

SM: Are you working on any future projects we can look forward to?

GA: Yes, I’m working on a novel. I’m not ready to talk about it yet, but I’m really excited about it. I also have a couple of pieces of short fiction in the works, one forthcoming from Story and another from Ecotone, and I’m excited about these as well.

***

 

Genevieve Abravanel’s short fiction is available or forthcoming in American Short Fiction, The Missouri Review, Story, Ecotone, and elsewhere. She has published a scholarly book with Oxford University Press (Chinese translation with The Commercial Press of Beijing) and received support from the National Endowment for the Humanities and the American Association of University Women. She teaches English in Lancaster, PA, where she lives with her family, and is currently working on a novel.

***

Shayla Malone is a 2024 spring intern at the Missouri Review. She is a senior at the University of Missouri-Columbia, where she is majoring in English and minoring in Business.

“Pete Pete’s Putt Putt Palace” by Adam Straus

BLAST, TMR’s online-only prose anthology, features prose too vibrant to be confined between the covers of a print journal. In “Pete Pete’s Putt Putt Palace,” Adam Straus tells the story of a young soon-to-be Marine who spends the summer before boot camp working at a minigolf course. He’s ready for his new life to begin but also dragging his feet at the threshold of manhood—which means the same thing, in this story set in 2017, during a period of heated war in Syria and Iraq, as dragging his feet at the threshold of violence and possible death. Soon enough he’ll be changed forever, and despite his youth he knows it, but for at least this strange yet perfect summer, he’s got his whole life ahead of him, the world like a golf ball in his open palm.

Pete Pete’s Putt Putt Palace

Adam Straus

 

Phil almost flunks his phone interview for the job at Pete Pete’s Putt Putt Palace. The flyer his mom shows him says: help wanted! does your name start with the letter p? do you want to work hard, have fun, and get paid in cash this summer? did you answer yes to the previous two questions? then call (609) 560-2412 today and come work work at pete pete’s!!!

But when Phil calls (609) 560-2412, the voice on the other end says he isn’t qualified, because while Phil technically starts with the letter P, it doesn’t start with a P sound, which is what the ad means, even if it doesn’t specifically say so.

Phil’s mom stands over him, drumming her burn-scarred fingers on the Formica kitchen countertop, mouthing Marine Corps! Mention the Marine Corps! Through the prefab wall, Phil can hear his little brother playing Call of Duty in the bedroom they share, audible above the sound of the TV blaring news from the living room.

“I understand, sir, but I’m really hoping you can make an exception to your policy. I’m leaving for boot camp in September, and…”

The voice brightens. The voice’s uncle was in the Coast Guard. The voice has a tremendous amount of respect for our men and women in uniform, and the voice was going to serve if not for an unfortunate series of events involving excessive eczema, a bum knee, and a job offer that seemed irresistible at the time, though it turned out to be a crock of shit. However, it’s all worked out for the best, because now the voice is Pete Tommaso, owner of Pete Pete’s Putt Putt Palace, and he would love for Phil to be part of the Pete Pete’s Putt Putt Family.

*

Pete Pete’s Putt Putt Palace’s First Annual New Employee Orientation is on Monday, May 22, 2017. A week before Memorial Day. Phil plugs the address into Google Maps, sees that Pete Pete’s Putt Putt Palace is right where Tee Bone Mini Golf used to be, and closes Google Maps. The morning is cool and humid, a prelude to the hot and humid summer waiting offstage for its cue.

Phil crosses the Bay Bridge thirty minutes later and inches down Surf Haven’s main street. There are stoplights at every corner, leaving him plenty of time to admire the ramshackle barrier island beach town where he’s spent all eighteen of his summers. It’s a carbon copy of any other shore town, including the insistence on individuality: This is our overrated ice cream place, our actually good ice cream place, our three pizzerias on the same block, our upscale seafood place. These are our clapboard buildings, our raised white colonials, our boxy new rentals everyone complains about.

And this is our minigolf place. Parking his hand-me-down Camry across the street from Pete Pete’s Putt Putt Palace, the first change Phil notices is the massive circus big top erected over the entire course. The holes look more or less the way he remembers Tee Bone, but Phil hasn’t played minigolf since he was twelve, so they might have been updated in the interim. The office is still a tarpaper-roofed kiosk, against which a middle-aged man leans.

“You must be Phil,” the middle-aged man says. “I’m Pete.”

He extends his hand and nearly crushes Phil’s knuckles in a vice grip. Pete has a stringy mustache, a thick head of gray hair, and skinny arms that belie his budding beer belly.

“Before we begin conducting business, I’d like you to join me in prayer.” Pete bows his head and starts praying. Phil looks down at the astroturf between his feet.

“Lord, I just ask you to take some consideration for this venture on which we are about to embark. Please watch over your faithful servants Pete and Phil as we operate this minigolf facility. Please guide our friends and neighbors and tourists to this spot so they can have fun and my business can prosper. Please bless us with inclement weather that is favorable for the beautiful tent with which you’ve already blessed us and unfavorable for Mulligan’s Nine Hole, which does not have a tent. In Jesus’ name we pray. Amen.”

Phil already misses his old summer job with Mike’s landscaping crew. The novel Spanish curse words and the endless prank wars (fake snakes hidden in Mauricio’s backpack, tipping a porta-shitter with Big Jeff inside, sending Hector in search of blinker fluid for the truck on his first day). The simple swagger that came from being part of a group of dudes like that. The well-earned exhaustion at the end of every day.

Phil’s mom broke up with Mike over the winter. Handed Phil a mug of hot chocolate and explained they’d grown apart over the previous three years and blah and blah and blah. All Phil could say was What does the hot chocolate have to do with this? but he didn’t argue when she handed Phil the flyer that brought him here.

“Where’s everyone else?” Phil asks after the prayer.

Pete laughs. While the tent flaps overhead in the salt-air breeze, he explains patiently that a business’s profits are calculated by taking what it makes and subtracting what it spends. To maximize profit (which is the goal of a business), you want to increase what you make and reduce what you spend. The main thing a minigolf course spends money on is employees.

“I’m gonna work the desk myself, so I don’t have to pay out an extra salary.”

“What about me?”

“You’re gonna be The Ringer.”

This is one of Pete’s big business ideas. His first stroke of genius was to put a tent over the course so people can play while it rains. His second was to call the place Pete Pete’s Putt Putt Palace, because the repetition makes people twice as likely to remember the name. The third is having a Ringer.

The Ringer’s job is to stand underneath a hand-painted sign that says the ringer. Guests can challenge him to a round of minigolf. If anyone in the party beats The Ringer, their rounds are free. If they lose, the challenger pays an additional $20.

“Of that $20, you can pocket $5 as a tip, in addition to your hourly $5 wage. So if you can win a round an hour, you’ll clear $10, all cash.”

“I haven’t really played that much minigolf before. What if people keep beating me?”

“Then you gotta get better, son! You think this minigolf course just handed itself to me?” Pete spreads his arms wide to encompass all eighteen holes, the artificial stream running through the course, and the big plywood windmill on the final hole. “I prayed for this every day. I took out a loan from my own aged father so I could fix this place up. Now you just gotta channel the same energy. You’re gonna be in the Army, right?”

“The Marine Corps.”

“Exactly! You gotta work hard. Train hard!”

Phil plays through the course twice as practice, then heads home for the day. Driving back over the bridge, he sees Surf Haven as a tiny spit of sand separating the bay from the ocean. With his back to the vast Atlantic, Phil feels hungry for adventure. He wants this summer to be an orgy of everything before he enters the crucible of manhood. He wants his life to be circumscribed only by what is possible. He has no self-restraint, nor does he want any. He’s willing to try any drug, although he doesn’t know how to get his hands on any. He’s had sex with every woman who’s ever expressed interest in him, which to date is exactly zero. He’s not shy; he’s just never figured out how to make friends without spending time with them first. He wants to do something, anything crazy before he gives himself to the Marine Corps. He can’t escape the feeling that his chance to do so is dwindling one day at a time.

*

First hole: Straight shot; line it up with the trunk of the fake palm tree behind the gravel. Second hole: Ricochet off the discolored paving stone. Third hole: Put it in the furthest tube, it rolls from there into the hole. Fourth hole: Trick shot, whack the ball across the gravel and into the water; the stream will drop the ball off right next to the hole. Fifth hole: Hit it hard up the slope; ride the curve. Sixth hole: Tap it to the left, then shoot around the sand trap. Seventh hole: Focus to get the ball across the narrow bridge.

Eighth hole: Trick shot again, there’s a tube behind the waterfall that drops into the hole. The tube’s made of PVC piping; it would snow little plastic slivers if cut to shape with Mike’s hand saw, the one with a Misfits bumper sticker on the handle.

Ninth hole: The leftmost plank gives the best angle. Tenth hole: Bank shot off the dolphin’s tail. Eleventh hole: Straight through the hole at the base of the lighthouse. Twelfth hole: Trick shot, hit it hard and flat to skip across the water; guests love that one. Thirteenth hole: Hit it into the log, guaranteed hole in one. Fourteenth hole: Looks like a straight shot, but the hole is raised; tap it close, then tap it in. Fifteenth hole: Weird twists and turns, minimum three shots, don’t get greedy. Sixteenth hole: First shot goes under the second wagon, second shot angles back through the fourth wagon and onto the lower green.

Seventeenth hole: Don’t even try hitting it under the pirate ship, just tap it around. Stare down at the ship and remember the blocky DK Eyewitness Book about pirates. Skip the pages about treasure, linger on the pages about weapons, fall asleep staring at the page that shows the crew in their hammocks belowdecks, swaying gently together.

Eighteenth hole: Backswing right when one blade of the windmill passes the opening. Timing should be perfect.

*

It’s always the men, Phil realizes after a month. It’s objectively stupid to look at someone standing under a sign that announces i’m good at minigolf and still decide to challenge them. But every day, there are three or four men who decide this particular carnival game might not be rigged. Or maybe they know it is and that means they have nothing to lose by losing. Except $20. Sometimes it’s a dad trying to embarrass his family, sometimes a boyfriend hamming it up for his girlfriend. Sometimes the imperceptible currents of a male friend group drift towards the conclusion, Yes, let’s see how good this kid is. But it’s always the men.

Even when it’s not the men, it’s the men. Like the family whose daughter plays golf at UVA. When her dad announces this, she laughs a bit too hard. They smell like they’ve been drinking together, the tan dad and the tan mom and the tan son and the tan son’s tan girlfriend and the tan daughter. The tan daughter looks and acts the way Phil imagines a college athlete. All confidence and calves. She asks Phil what the trick is on each hole, he’s too dumbstruck not to tell her, his ball caroms off the lighthouse on the eleventh hole, she nails every shot, he mistimes the windmill for good measure.

Pete’s ticked off because that’s five refunds.

“What, you wake up in the morning and piss out $75 at a time?”

But Pete doesn’t stay mad; they’re still up big on the summer. The weather’s been dogshit, and it turns out the tent was a great investment. There’s a steady stream of putt putters puttering through the palace. Phil’s getting challenged a few times a day and winning just about every time.

The hours are long (12-10 every day) and the pay sucks, but the hours are long enough to make up for the shitty pay. Phil’s got some cash in his pocket, and he should be doing something wild. He should be getting drunk somewhere and getting laid by someone, but instead he’s getting nervous. Because he’s watching videos about boot camp on his phone, and it looks miserable. All screaming and no sleep. Physical punishment and psychological torture meant to destroy the person Phil’s been since he was born. His recruiter says to stay on top of the PT and not sweat it too much. It’s like a kick in the nuts; you’re not supposed to be ready for it.

Phil’s also watching the news, and he sees Americans and Iraqis and Syrians fighting to recapture Mosul and Raqqa. He sees the faces of two soldiers who die on the roads outside of Kabul.

And it’s fucked up because Phil knows the dead are what make the whole thing special. He knows that’s what lends this whole thing its romantic air, why he thought he needed to blow it out this summer, why he’s now angling every fiber of his being towards being as ready as he can. But he might be in way over his head. He might be having the moment he’s seen on others’ faces, when Phil nails three holes in one to start the course and they understand they just threw away $20.

So Phil sets an alarm on his phone to ring every hour, reminding him to drop down for a set of push-ups. Between this, three max sets of pull-ups a day on the bar that’s slowly peeling his room’s door jamb from the wall, and five three-mile runs a week, Phil gets in the best shape of his life. His skinny frame trends towards wiry. He buzzes his long hair short, easing toward the bald head he knows awaits him at boot camp. And while the haircut doesn’t look particularly good, it turns out the forehead acne he grew out his hair to cover was actually coming from his oily hair itself. After a self-conscious two weeks, Phil’s skin clears for the first time since sixth grade.

Phil snags a few mornings on the beach with his mom and brother, stays up late a few nights playing Overwatch and NBA 2K online with Elliott and Zach. That’s it for fun. The Clam Jammer is right across the street from Pete Pete’s, and even though he can hear people drinking there and stomping around to whatever cover band is playing on the back patio, Phil never even tries to sneak in. He’s working sixty hours a week; he’s fucking tired.

Of course, Phil still feels a pang every time a group remotely close to his age rolls through Pete Pete’s. They’ve got stolen booze, they’ve got somewhere to be tonight, they’ve got something Phil’s given up. He thinks of an old Smashing Pumpkins song Mike used to play in the truck, screaming along out of key, smacking his palm on the steering wheel: Someone will say what is lost can never be saved.

So Phil finds solace in routine. His alarm goes off every hour. The eighteen holes are always in the same order. The trick shots always elicit the same surprise from the guests. The ball return bucket fills; he swaps it for the empty bucket at the start of the course. That bucket fills up; he swaps them again. Phil does 100, then 200, then 300 push-ups a day. He runs a 21-minute three-mile, then a 20:30, then a 19:55. He ekes out a set of 20 pull-ups, but his brother says they don’t count because his legs were swinging.

His mom stops by one day after her shift waiting tables at Michael’s Diner, near a wealthy college town up north. She drops $20 of her tip money to challenge Phil. After Phil nails the trick shot on the twelfth hole, he sees his mom is crying. Like any good teenage son, he asks Mom, what the fuck? Are you ok? She is, she’s sniffling, she’s trying to get the words out.

“You’re so good at this,” she says, tears tracing the high cheekbones they share. “I can’t believe it. You’ve been working so hard here, Philly.”

Phil’s embarrassed, but she’s right: He’s good at minigolf. Like, insanely good. After the UVA girl, no one beats him for two weeks. A month. The rest of the summer.

*

Pete’s been praying, and his prayers are answered for Labor Day Weekend. It starts pouring rain as the first early birds drive over the bridge on Friday afternoon, and by Sunday evening, there haven’t been more than ten cumulative minutes of sunshine over the past forty-eight hours. Pete Pete’s is packed; everyone’s desperate to escape the house, sick of the three movies showing at Flix Theater, hungry for something that says vacation.

Phil’s already ringered three groups by 2 PM. The ball return bucket fills up almost as quickly as he can change it out. Rain pounds down on the tent. It’s so overcast Phil can hardly tell when day gives way to twilight. He can best discern the passage of time from the guests’ progressively increasing drunkenness. Suddenly the fluorescent lights lining each hole click on, bathing the course in reds, whites, and blues. It’s the last night of summer.

Shortly after nine, a couple walks up to Phil.

“So we beat you and it’s free?” the guy asks. He’s got a well-groomed beard, a slightly too-tight t-shirt, and sunglasses on the back of his head even though it’s been a minute since anyone in Surf Haven needed sunglasses. He either looks young for 35 or old for 25.

“It’s twenty bucks to take the challenge, and if either of you beat me, you get your $20 back and both your rounds refunded.”

The girl says they should do it. Phil’s doing the awkward eighteen-year-old thing where he tries not to look at her, but his brain has already made the binary determination attractive female present, and now he’s hyper-aware that he’s either looking at her (too much?) or not looking at her (also weird). Then the wind blows, pressing the fabric of her sundress against her skin, and Phil realizes she’s close to his age and he’s staring.

They play the first two holes in convivial silence. Phil picks up snatches of conversation and learns the couple might’ve drank too much this afternoon, they could both go for a cigarette but have agreed to stop chain-smoking every time they touch a beer, someone named Becca is having a party tonight, and while they’re excited to head back to college for their senior year, they’re sad to see the end of the long, debauched, and boozy summer they’ve enjoyed together.

Neither of them seems to be any good at minigolf, nor do they seem to give a shit. Either they gave up when Phil led off with back-to-back holes in one, or they never really cared to begin with. Phil tracks all three scores. The guy carries the couple’s pencil stubs behind his ears. Their scorecards sit unused in his back pocket.

“By the way, what’s your name, dude?” the guy asks as he gets ready to start the third hole. A car whooshes by on the rain-slick street. Underneath the big top, it smells like plastic and fresh mud.

“I’m Phil.”

“Cool. I’m Greg.”

“And I’m Caroline.”

“You in school?” Greg asks.

“I just graduated high school. I’m leaving for boot camp in a few weeks.”

“Marine Corps?”

“Yeah.”

“No shit. I just got out a few years ago. You’re gonna need some of this.” Greg reaches into his pocket and hands Phil a hip flask. Phil’s only thought is a voice saying yes, yes, yes.

“Oh my god, Greg, you’re corrupting him. He’s at work.” Caroline laughs and shakes her head, making it clear she thinks this is great.

Phil ducks behind a boulder to be sure he’s out of sight from the kiosk. The cheap whiskey makes his eyes water. He coughs and burps. The burp tastes so bad he coughs again. Greg and Caroline double over laughing. Hysterical drunk laughing. Phil forces a smile, caps the flask, and hands it back to Greg.

“That’s Wild Turkey,” Greg says. “You’ll get used to it.”

Greg’s right. The second pull hurts as bad as the first. The third goes down a bit smoother. The ninth time Greg hands him the flask, Phil squats behind the teal dolphin on the tenth hole and the whiskey tastes fine. A little bit sweet and a little bit spicy, like when his mom used to make oatmeal with cinnamon, nutmeg, and lots and lots of cloves. And just like those winter mornings, there’s a warmth rising in Phil’s chest, fending off the cool nighttime breeze blowing from the ocean.

Phil isn’t quite sure how to ask Greg about the Marine Corps, but it’s fine because Greg starts reminiscing. He fixed helicopter engines in Camp Lejeune, he met his best friends at his first unit, one of his buddies dumped a cup of piss off the barracks catwalk (on purpose) and onto a Lieutenant’s head (by accident) and then pretended he pissed himself while having a seizure so he wouldn’t get in trouble. Greg spent nine months in Iraq.

“I was just at TQ, never left the wire or anything. But it was still cool being there.”

Phil nods along and makes a mental note to look up TQ Iraq later.

After every hole, Greg taps Caroline’s ass with his putter and says good game. It becomes a joke; she scrambles away from him, he chases after her and says I’m just trying to congratulate you. She turns and swings at his ass and hits him in the kidney by mistake. He dramatically arches his back and yelps. She says I’m just trying to congratulate you through tears of laughter.

Phil’s drunk, and he’s only been drunk twice before (both times stolen vodka, both times Elliott’s basement). This is his first time learning he’s a sappy drunk. Phil hopes someday he has a girlfriend with a cute splash of freckles on her nose and a laugh like an NJ Transit train sliding into the station. He hopes they play minigolf together and smack each other on the ass and say good game.

Then, when Phil nails the trick shot across the water on hole 12, and Greg and Caroline go nuts with delirious cheers, Phil thinks about the faces he saw on the news. The dead guys. And he thinks about summer being over. Playing minigolf isn’t sad, unless you start worrying it might be your last time ever playing minigolf. Then it gets really sad.

Phil hangs his head as they walk over the wooden bridge to hole 13. He doesn’t want to go this way. He wants to go back to hole 11, then hole 10, then back to the beginning of the summer and just live this on repeat. Again and again until he’s doing 500 push-ups a day and running an 18-minute three-mile. Again and again and again until he’s fucking bulletproof. Because he’s not ready yet.

Greg takes a nip and offers the flask to Phil. Phil demurs.

“I don’t wanna wipe you out.”

Greg holds up one finger, reaches into his back pocket, and pulls out another flask. It’s the funniest thing Phil’s ever seen. Could be in spite of how low he’s feeling, could be because of it. Could be that the whole point of being drunk is to melt those extremes together into one overwhelming happysad emotional lump. But it’s the funniest thing Phil’s ever seen. He’s laughing, his stomach hurts, his abs are cramping. Caroline’s cackling, Greg’s saying, I keep that fuckin thang on me, you know I keep that mothafuckin thang on me.

They have six holes to go and it’s almost 10:30. They’re the last people on the course, and they’re not even on the course. They’re stopped on the arched bridge between holes, leaning on the railing to catch their breath. Passing the flask around again, and one more time. The pirate ship looms behind them, standing sentry, watching their backs. Phil can hear bass thumping somewhere in the distance. As he cranes his neck to see where the noise is coming from, he looks towards the kiosk and finds Pete illuminated in the window, glaring at them.

“Ah fuck, I think my boss is pissed.”

“The summer’s over, man. What’s he gonna do, make you join the Marine Corps? Send me back to Iraq?”

Phil thinks it’s beyond cool, how Greg can just joke about Iraq like that. It’s the coolest fucking thing he’s ever seen, the casual mention of Iraq. Actually, everything about Greg is the coolest fucking thing Phil’s ever seen. He’s going to college for free on the GI Bill and he’s dating Caroline. Maybe Greg’s face is the face Phil needs to picture, instead of the guys on the news. Maybe this carnival game isn’t rigged, either.

“If he doesn’t want us to play minigolf,” Caroline slurs, “then we should go to the driving range.”

Greg smiles. “For sure.”

Phil pretends he understands what’s going on.

Caroline steps back onto the twelfth hole green, throws her ball in the air, and swings at it like a baseball player hitting fungoes. She misses, spinning halfway around with the force of her swing. On her second try, she launches her royal purple golf ball into the night sky. It bounces loudly on the street and disappears into the Clam Jammer’s bushes.

hey!” Pete screams from the kiosk. “hey!”

“Oh shit,” Greg says. “Hide the evidence!” He throws his putter javelin-style onto the thirteenth hole. It comes to rest against the log through which Phil has sent hundreds of golf balls. “Let’s run.”

Greg scrambles off the bridge and grabs Caroline’s hand. They half-hurdle, half-fall over the retaining wall that separates Pete Pete’s Putt Putt Palace from the surrounding sidewalk.

hey!” Pete yells again, storming across the course now. “there’s a three-dollar lost ball fee! hey! phil, get them back here!”

“Let’s go, dude!” Greg shouts to Phil.

i’m calling the police! phil, i’m calling your mom!

Pete’s first threat rings hollow; the dozen or so police officers lucky enough to call Surf Haven their beat are unlikely to assist in collecting a three-dollar lost ball fee. It’s the second one that gives Phil pause. I’m calling your mom is a kid’s threat. Boot camp starts in twelve days, but it hasn’t started yet. Phil can wave goodbye to Greg and Caroline, crawl back home like he’s snoozing an alarm to stay under the covers for just ten more minutes, still a kid, kicking against a cage, warmed by the righteous anger Phil’s clung to since his mom handed him that mug of hot chocolate.

When Phil asked why, she said the flame between them just went out. He asked why again, and that was when she said they’d grown apart. Because Phil actually remembers this happening, it hurts worse than when Phil’s real dad died, T-boned by a drunk driver on his way home from the fire house. Phil was three years old. All he remembers is a bristly mustache on his cheek. But even that might be a fake memory born instead from the picture on Phil’s wall of his dad holding him on the beach at Surf Haven, their faces smushed together.

A real memory: Phil’s eighth birthday. Mike, wearing one of the two dress shirts he owns, hands Phil a giftwrapped aircraft carrier, easily four feet long, complete with mini planes, sailors, and Phil’s favorite, a Marine figurine in green camo with a tiny black rifle. His mom would never let Phil play with toy guns or “war stuff.” She made an exception for the aircraft carrier. There’s a home video of Phil sitting in the grass, completely silent for a full minute, staring at his aircraft carrier. It was the best gift he ever got.

Now, of the three parents Phil’s had, his dad’s gone, Mike’s gone, and Phil’s leaving his mom. Joining the Marine Corps. Has joined the Marine Corps. No backing out, the contract’s signed. The choice is made; now’s about living with it. Living up to it. Living it up.

Phil drops his putter and leaps over the retaining wall. With Greg and Caroline, he runs, laughing and listening to their feet slap against the sidewalk. Phil knows there’s something bad on the horizon, as sure as he’ll be hungover tomorrow. Phil will have to figure out a way home at some point, he’ll have to face Pete in less than twelve hours or walk away from his last two weeks of pay.

But right now? Right now, Phil’s fucking hammered. Right now, Caroline’s saying she’s sure Becca won’t mind if Phil comes over with them, and she’s also saying Phil shouldn’t get his hopes up because it’s just gonna be ten or twenty people playing beer pong. But Phil’s hopes are up. They’re up like a ball tossed in the air, nearing the weightless moment at the top of its arc. Gravity will win soon, but right now, the only way is up, and Phil’s wondering how high he might go.

***

Adam Straus is a Marine veteran. His work has appeared or is forthcoming in The Iowa Review, The Hopkins Review, trampset, JMWW, Pithead Chapel, and elsewhere. Adam holds an MFA from Rutgers-Camden. You can find him on Twitter @AdamStraus29 or at adamstrauswriter.com.

“Snarge” by Brianna Steidle

“Snarge” by Brianna Steidle is our Poem of the Week.

Brianna Steidle is a poet, translator, and dog trainer. She holds an MFA from The Writing Seminars at Johns Hopkins University, where she teaches poetry and fiction. Her work has appeared in Plume and elsewhere.
 

Snarge

So this is how a starling looks
emerging from the left turbine
of a dredged-up Electra.

The personal effects, still dripping,
have been catalogued and sent away.
The wreck-site ornithologist

recalls that starlings recognize
songs by chains of sound
not unlike syllables.

Human speech is infinite.
The birds are considered invasive
in many places. Always,

the scientist tells her apprentices,
trust that you will know a feather
when you see it
. Her analysis

is only as good as her specimens.

From time to time a passing jet
startles a bird of prey
into unlocking its talons,
and its catch is sucked into the engine.

Like this, Nostradamus told his secretary
he was dying. The legions of ill
at Aix and Lyon had taken their toll.
The Centuries flew out of him.

As a bird snaps open
       its wings, it doubles

in space. Pay attention.
       There, on the scan the dark

is air or the hollow large intestine.
       The white is a mass

of highly saturated crystals,
       also called a cloud.

A tangle like downed phone lines
       signals a teratoma. We classify it

with the language of children:
       mature or immature.

Don’t say malignant. Instead
       what comes to mind is

Sturnus vulgaris. A cell of starlings
       lifting off in the shadow of a jet.

It doesn’t take a prophet—
the ornithologist must confirm
her suspicions with a microscope

and a European starling
from the Smithsonian collection.
Who knows when its feet withered.

Tucked so, they conjure in her
long days bent over
maps of the aortic branches.

The ornithologist recommends
long-range acoustic devices
to douse the tarmac

in starling distress calls.
The speakers pump fear,
steady and wide, over the runways.

Among birds,
there is no mistaking it.
 

Author’s Note

“Snarge” refers to avian debris near a plane or airport—the same word for a feather on the tarmac or a whole bird. It’s hazardous in the turbines but also in us. I wrote this poem while in limbo between a routine MRI scan that turned back startling news and the follow-up testing that would give me direction. As I waited, the poem searched—for form, fact, and closure. Nothing was straightforward then, not even a clear-cut metaphor of the body, my body, as debris. I haven’t touched the poem since the surgery. Snarge is dangerous because it reminds us of our imitation. We burn thousands of gallons of fuel to stay aloft. We do what it takes.

“Wash” by Kieron Walquist

“Wash” by Kieron Walquist is our Poem of the Week.

Kieron Walquist (he/they) is a queer poet and visual artist from mid-Missouri. Author of the chapbook Love Locks (Quarterly West, 2023), their other work is found / forthcoming in Best New Poets 2022, Hayden’s Ferry Review, IHLR, Oxford American, and elsewhere. A 2022-23 Fellow at the Fine Arts Work Center in Provincetown, he holds an MFA from Washington University in St. Louis and was awarded the Missouri Review 2022 Poem of the Year.
 

Wash

                                You blueprint a body | cookie-cut an acre | pour concrete |
       raise lumber | but forget about winter | our labor in limbo | the wind a bullet |
the half-built a whole lot of holes | target paper|
                                       yeah | I was Sunday-slow | mixed Phillips + hex
                     screwdrivers | was no help | was obscene + obnoxious | my Walkman
       loud | like a pinball machine | I’d stim + shadowbox | across plywood + drywall
scraps | kick up sawdust | power cords |
                                       + yeah | you were right | I was lost | in my own world |
                     may never learn | you’d knock a door off | its hinges | saddle it
       to two sawhorses | palm the DeWalt sander | mustard-yellow |
                                                                                     but y’know what | my world
                     included you | of course it did | you were there | father | with me |
       hey look | here’s you plugging in the sander | it pulls power | flickers the light
                 | the whirr
when you sand | cyclone | kick up sawdust |
                                     hey listen | once you’re done we can hear Van Halen |
                on KCMQ | CLASSIC ROCK | our radio paint-splattered | + precarious |
       on an overturned bucket | here we varnish | dip the sleeve of an old t-shirt
                 into the stain |
walnut | dark as Folger’s coffee |
                                      Jesus Christ | the fumes | the force | burrowing a hole
                     in the head | hey listen | we’re laughing | washing the woodgrain |
       its calligraphy | we count the lines | the years out loud | leave it to gloss | leave
                 to wash
at the well | our breath in the cold | sanding | cyclones |
                                                   I’m here | right here | learning | you teach me|
                            to get varnish off your hands | you must wash them|
                                                                                                                       in gasoline
 

Author’s Note

I was at a residency in Provincetown and missing my father. In the morning, I’d wake to the sound of saws and sanders—a neighbor was rebuilding after a storm—and with it, I was back in Missouri, on a small farm, watching my father work on our home. I wrote “Wash” little by little, as I remembered it: the cold, the dust, the radio, the varnish. We loved each other quietly, and still do.

“Salt and Corruption” by Ben Kissam

BLAST, TMR’s online-only prose anthology, features prose too vibrant to be confined between the covers of a print journal. Once a multi-billion-dollar industry in today’s money, the illicit business of “crimping” thrived in nineteenth and early twentieth-century port cities on the West Coast. “Crimping” names the practice of kidnapping able-bodied men for forced labor on lengthy sea voyages. In language that captures the briny, shady spirit of the times, Ben Kissam’s “Salt and Corruption” offers a fascinating account of a once widespread, now little-known form of human trafficking that ruined numerous American lives.

Salt and Corruption

Ben Kissam

 

Henry Short had a family who cared enough to notice he was missing—and this made him unique. After his disappearance in 1901, his parents no doubt questioned their decision to raise their son, who had just turned 15, in the still-wild Pacific Northwest. At the time, Seattle was home to just over 80,000 people—and home, too, to a booming black market that prayed on young men like Henry.

The Shorts filed a missing person report at the local police station, but in their hearts, they knew it’d do no good. In fact, the uniformed officers across from them might have helped make their son disappear. Still, Henry’s parents told the police their suspicion: they believed he had been shanghaied.

It’s a shame Henry’s height or weight wasn’t documented by the police that day. If we knew that he was tall or fat, we could say with more confidence that he was probably dead by the time his parents realized he was missing. The dose of opium or laudanum he was given would have been more likely to stop his heart: bigger men needed large doses to knock them out for sixteen hours, and the crimps, whose business it was to get teens like Henry to swallow the drugs unknowingly, weren’t exactly anesthesiologists.

“Crimp” was a term used in Seattle at the time to refer to a person who was, more or less, a sea pimp. Crimps took many forms: landlords, boardinghouse owners, barkeeps, prostitutes, or anyone whose line of work brought them to the docks or the seedy establishments frequented by sailors and desperate men.

Many people wanted to be a crimp. There was big money in it if you did it well. Drugging a man, beating him up, and dragging him on board a ship for months of forced labor was worth $30 to $50 in the eyes of a ship captain—roughly $1,100 to $1,800 today.

Crimping originated in London in eighteenth-century Napoleonic times and remained a reason to keep your head on a swivel at the docks in Liverpool, New York, and Sydney for the next hundred years. But at the turn of the twentieth century, everyone knew the most dangerous docks in the world were located on the upper West Coast in cities like Seattle, Portland, and San Francisco. Had Henry been shanghaied in Portland, he might have been drugged in a bar and held in an underground tunnel until dawn, possibly even dropped through a trapdoor in the floor, before being dumped on a ship. In San Francisco, Henry might have come face-to-face with Johnny Devine, also known as The Shanghai Chicken. Seattle didn’t have tunnels or a kingpin with a cool nickname, but residents knew that any bar south of Yesler Way was a place to avoid. Crimping took place to “an alarming extent” in these areas, the Seattle Star reported.

At the time, the port city of Shanghai was one of the largest and busiest in the world. It took about sixty days to get there by boat and no direct route back home existed, so a sailor would have to sojourn along the West Indies and through the Middle East to Alexandria and London before returning to America. A direct route from London to West Coast port cities like Seattle did exist, but the Panama Canal did not—so ships had to travel south and around Cape Horn at the tip of Chile—some 18,000 miles total. It could easily be two years before you returned home.

As a result, sailors avoided working these routes. But captains still needed sailors. In those days, a sailor was paid his 20 percent advance before the ship left, but never in cash. Captains set up lines of credit at local shops that provided crews with clothes, food, shelter, tobacco, and alcohol. The sailor would only receive the remaining 80 percent of his earnings if he completed his voyage, months or even years later. For a ship captain, the decision to pay crimps for their service was purely economic. When a man got shanghaied, the captain simply gave the 20 percent advance to his captor—a great deal for the captain and the most reprehensible sort of finder’s fee you’ve ever heard of.

Captains also had plenty of tricks up their torn, salty sleeves to avoid paying the final 80 percent. When a boat got stuck in the port waiting to unload—which could take months—sailors were not permitted to leave the vessel, even with land in sight. Budget-conscious captains used this delay to their advantage. They fed their crews rotten meat, distributed dirty water, and supplied inadequate clothing, all in an effort to get them to quit. Months and sometimes years of work would get wiped away if a sailor broke his contract. It was far cheaper to get sailors to whom you owed money to jump ship, then pay the crimps at the docks to shanghai a new crew. Occasionally, a man would jump ship sans pay after months at sea on the same boat, only to get drugged a few nights later and end up back on the same boat under the same captain.

In 1890, eleven years before Henry Short was shanghaied, a broker in San Francisco named James Laflin recorded over $71,000 in advances for 1,168 crimped sailors—over $60 each—paid out to his network of crimps. Today, that would be a sum of $233 million. Apply that figure to more than 100,000 crimped men from 1850 to the turn of the century, when Henry disappeared, and you’ve got a black-market industry easily worth billions.

As is often the case, with good business came corruption, and in 1901, crimping was still soaring to new heights in North America. This is when an already brutal practice got darker.

*

Nine years after Henry vanished, the New York Times ran an article about crimping titled “Why Sailors Prefer the Old to the New Method.” Five years later, crimping would be outlawed for good.

For fifty years, loggers, farmers, and boozehounds were the type of Americans who got drugged and tossed on ships. While these men came from different backgrounds, they had common qualities that made them shanghaiable:

Strengths… Vitality and resilience.
Interests… Money, women, and free liquor.
Location… The wide-open West Coast.

Despite their foul mouths and often modest educations, sailors weren’t stupid. They were, in fact, incredibly street-smart. So much so that roughly every twelve months, crimps had to change their methods and adapt their ruses as word about them spread.

When the men grew privy to what led to their capture—drinking drugged liquor—they started refusing free drinks. As a result, one shanghaier in San Francisco partnered with a cigar bar owner to give away free samples—which had been laced with opium.

When the shanghaiable became aware of who was shanghaiing them, the crimps stopped showing their faces at the docks. They instead hired a team of runners, usually other young poor boys, and overpowering sailors with brute force became the new method. Runners were encouraged to build rapport with boys from good families like Henry Short or play the fool with unsuspecting Native Americans and immigrants from Mexico and Central America who started showing up in town.

Once again, the sailors adjusted. They quickly learned to ignore any kids who approached them. Hell, ignore anyone you don’t know.

Everything changed when the crimps started paying off the police.

Cops were already known to occasionally shanghai a man out of convenience. A drunkard who acted up near the docks or bothered women in saloons might be handcuffed and dragged to the next departing boat. Crimps were known to slip an officer a cool $20 bill for his trouble. But once the police were officially on the take, the threshold for “crimes” committed loosened greatly, and news spread that young men were being falsely arrested and forced on ships. As a result, San Francisco police officers who patrolled the docks were required to carry not only a revolver and baton, but a twelve-inch knife, as many men decided that maiming or even killing a police officer was their best chance to escape.

Over and over, the pipeline of shanghaiable men dwindled, but the demand for sailors did not. Eventually, barkeeps and landlords were backstabbed—and many who crimped others got crimped themselves. In one instance in San Francisco, a pastor was summoned to a ship about to leave port and asked to “bless” a supposedly dying man on board. The last image of land he ever saw was of two people exchanging cash on the docks.

Eventually, the crimps realized they had a business problem. Crimping one man at a time was too expensive. So the crimps did what any struggling business owner would do: scale. And they did so to devastating effect.

*

All day, there had been a buzz around San Francisco. A wealthy man was throwing a birthday party for himself on a yacht? Everyone’s invited? Young boys and prostitutes dressed in street clothes handed out flyers all day.

“Free booze!” they shouted. “Free liquor! Get it while it’s still there!”

Several hours later, one hundred men lay unconscious on the deck of a rented yacht. A team of runners worked until dawn, dragging carcasses off the rented boat in fishing nets and distributing them among the captains.

After a decade or two of turning a blind eye to the disaster by the docks—crimping was heavily reported in newspapers—politicians got in bed with the crimps, too. In exchange for a cut of the action, they squashed any talk of lawsuits or unionization before it left city hall. Word was then passed down by lawmakers to the crimps: “Do what you have to do.”

Runners stopped looking for a man to shanghai. Now they looked for men. Early in the evening, they would enter bars and casually learn the name of every man inside. Hours later, after the men were drunk, the runners marched into the saloon with a police force at their sides, telling the men to get on a boat or go to jail for breaching their contracts.

“We didn’t sign any contracts!” the men argued.

A contract with their name (often misspelled) and an unfamiliar signature was brandished, and off they went.

Crimping started to die off in New York, but you could still get away with it in cities that were raw and growing—Seattle, Portland, and San Francisco. Every day, new faces showed up in need of work.

Henry Short was drugged or beaten. Whether he was part of a group or a more expensive solo catch, there’s no doubt about the method of his capture. Ship captains didn’t pay full price for conscious men, since they knew they’d either have to knock the man out themselves or drug him to prevent him from jumping overboard.

But what became of a boy like Henry after that?

Say he was sent to Shanghai and made it there in sixty days. Everything went right—as right it could—and after two long years, Henry made his way back to Seattle and his family. Only, his parents no longer lived at 308 Union Street. His neighbors, now speaking to a shaggy man missing several teeth, tell him they left abruptly when their son went missing. They moved to Philadelphia. Or maybe it was Chicago.

Having spent every cent he earned getting home, a boy like Henry wouldn’t know how to proceed. Seattle would have changed greatly in his absence, with more right angles and clean lines and far fewer muddy roads—much different from the cold, damp, swaying existence he was used to.

So Henry walks to the saloon he sometimes visited as a boy. It’s under new ownership now. A strange man, disgusted at Henry’s musk and appearance, spits at his feet. No matter—he’s now quite used to being treated like scum. He knows a place like this is the only kind of bar that extends credit to people like him, so he orders a whiskey to plot his next move.

A boy with a dirty face approaches. He’s wearing a cravat.

“Need a job, mister?”

Henry looks up from his drink. “What’s it entail?” he asks.

“The job?” the boy says. “Bit o’ everything, really.”

“You’ll be my boss?” Henry laughs.

“No, sir,” the boy says earnestly. “My father runs a logging business in town. Dollar fifty a day.”

Henry considers. Something feels off. “No, thanks,” he says.

The boy disappears without another glance, confirming Henry’s instinct. The bartender hands him another drink.

“On the house,” Henry says.

“Cheers.” He doesn’t make eye contact.

Henry stares into the heart of his whiskey, scanning for irregularity, wondering if he should have taken the kid up on that job after all. He takes a long sip, figuring what the hell.

Some time later, he wakes to a familiar scent of rusted metal and sea salt. The subtle red behind his eyelids is the same color as the ocean at dawn. His core muscles instinctively find traction, flexing to the deck against the gentle sway of the ocean.

Henry isn’t as mad about getting crimped a second time. No longer a boy, he doesn’t have a resume or references or even enough vitamin C to keep his immune system healthy. What he does have are scars on his forearms from rope burns and on his knuckles from fighting. Until society comes to the defense of shanghaied men, which won’t happen for another thirteen years, he’s got no chance at a normal, free life. Outside this floating prison cell, he hasn’t got a pot to piss in. You see? He’s even got a sailor’s mouth.

***

Ben Kissam is a writer and marketing strategist. He’s the author of two books, including the bestselling satirical self-help book I Am Not Your Guru (Yet), which at one time had a small and strange cult following. His essays and stories can be found in the Boston Globe, Red Bull, and Slackjaw. His writing can be found at benkissam.com.

“On Renting” by Sara Fetherolf

“On Renting” by Sara Fetherolf is our Poem of the Week.

Sara O. Fetherolf (she/they) is the author of Via Combusta, selected by Quan Barry for the New American Poetry Prize and published by New American Press in 2022. They won the 2021 Iron Horse Long Story award and they have written text for song cycles and short operas that have been performed around the country. Her writing appears in publications like Best Microfiction 2023, Gulf Coast, CALYX, Storm Cellar, and Gigantic Sequins. They have an MFA from Hunter College and a PhD from University of Southern California. Find her work at sarafetherolf.com.
 

On Renting

This 10AM, the landlord
walks by my bedroom window,
showing the city utility worker
to the gas meter.
I would prefer that he not

know I’m asleep this late, his footsteps
and shadow filtering through
the blinds. I would prefer he not know
the extravagant heating bill we’ve racked up
this rainy January.

I’d prefer he not see the tall weeds
growing around the meter and take it
upon himself to chop
them to the quick. I’d prefer
to not feel Protestantly guilty

for how in my privacy I am
weedy & extravagant, a late sleeper.
Once, I was taught the Lord
owns my life, spreads the sky
like a ceiling over my head, grants money

to those he favors, lightning otherwise.
I suppose the landlord is
a small, frumpy incarnation of that
Lord, taking it upon himself
to trudge past my window

and inspect the meter, talk
to the lime-vested employee
who is calculating our bill
and not his. In the last days
of my faith, I came to think of the Lord

as an enormous grub,
pillowy & pale as curdled milk.
He eats rot into this earth
like a maggot into a potato
but it is human meat

He craves. He wants to make us
in His image by consuming
us down to the bone.
Then I decided I was being unfair
to the grubs, who are, after

all, only naïve
and hungry. I do not believe
the landlord is acting on instinct
when he wriggles through my
morning, but rather some assumed

righteousness. Please don’t catch me,
I think, a blanket at my throat.
Let me send the old gods
after him: Hermes, the thief,
who adores the delicate skins

of true maggots and their instinct
for taking what they need.
Let me send a banshee
to howl at his mailbox
each time he opens a rent check.

Let me send the gods that are grubs
to consume him. It is not even,
honestly, that he is an unkind man.
I should be Protestantly grateful
he loaned us buckets

when the rain came through
and faithfully called the cheapest
workmen to come fix the roof.
In the letter about raising our rent,
he left a polite paragraph

insisting he ought to raise it more, only
he knows times are hard.
Praise be, I guess.
But I am not one who trusts
righteousness, and the old

gods whisper to me:
Let the weeds grow high.
Let blood and rain and bone meal
feed them. Let the maggots eat
the bills. Once upon a time,

they tell me, it will be
your footsteps you hear
outside your bedroom window.
In that country there will be
no gas meter, only

cooking fires & newborn wolves & stars
maggoty overhead.
The wilderness that is to come
is not yours, but it sure as hell
is no one else’s either.

It is biding its time.
It wants blood, not money.
There is no one, they say,
on earth who can escape
its appetite.
 

Author’s Note

Last year, I made a pledge to draft a new poem every day. Most of these drafts were not very good. But even in the bad drafts, I found myself circling the same images and incidents day after day, as if my subconscious were looking for something I couldn’t name yet. About once every two weeks, I would come up with a draft that finally resolved for me an idea I’d been chasing after. “On Renting” began as such a draft, after two weeks of writing rant-y poems about my busybody landlord and my contradictory desires to have a home that I own and to abolish all forms of private land ownership. Hermes, the thief god, kept showing up in my poems around this time, and I think the turn toward the old gods helped me to find a deeper resolution than I had in previous drafts.

In general, it was a useful revelation to know that I could write bad poems day after day and trust that I was working toward something I couldn’t see yet. It has reshaped how I approach my writing life, and I am glad the first of these poems is entering the world here.

“Song Night” by Robert Long Foreman

Parents often worry, “Am I doing this right?”—a question that takes on humorous complexity in Robert Long Foreman’s “Song Night,” which tells the story of a pot-smoking father who discovers his teenage daughter has been following in his footsteps. Beset with concerns no less pressing for being commonplace—about the quality of his parenting, about the strength of his marriage—the narrator learns from his daughter and her friend how to loosen up. First published in TMR issue 46.4 (Winter 2023), “Song Night” is a tender, funny account of what it looks like to bend to contingency—to be along for the ride, to be a river, broad and strong but also helpless in its outflow.

Song Night

Robert Long Foreman

I thought about calling this “What We Do in the Basement,” because there are several things we do in our basement.

It’s a good basement. It’s furnished. It has a fireplace, a couch, a TV we rarely use, and some comfortable chairs. The carpet is ugly, but so are most carpets. It came with the house, so I guess it has other people’s eyelashes mashed between the fibers. There’s a desk and a chair, where I sit and work all day. I have a record cabinet with all my records and a turntable on top. Sometimes I remember that I live in the twenty-first century, so I plug my phone into the receiver and play a song from an online streaming service. What a world. What a basement.

Clara, my wife, keeps her workout stuff there: a yoga mat and weights. She’s not huge, but she’s toned. Some people like to spend their time defining words. Clara spends a portion of every day defining her biceps and calves. She does it in the morning, before I wake up.

When I wake up, I make breakfast, eat breakfast, and take Clara’s place. I go to work as an in-house editor for an investment firm. I don’t tone muscles, I tone documents. I don’t bulk them up; there’s no writing involved; I only further define them, streamline sentences, cut paragraphs in half. It’s like yoga for reports and prospectuses down there.

The basement is also where Kristin and I have Song Night every Wednesday night. She’s our only child, because one is more than enough.

I never thought I’d have a daughter named Kristin. I had a bad girlfriend once named Kristin. She even spelled it with those same two i’s. She wasn’t the meanest woman I dated in my twenties, but she was harsh. I’d rather not get into how.

It was Clara’s idea to name our daughter that. She insisted. And it’s fine, because since then our Kristin has all but washed away the memory of that other one who was mean. I hardly recall what her face looked like.

When she was six years old, Kristin and I started having basement parties. They weren’t real parties. No booze was involved, though I have been smoking cannabis in the backyard every night for almost as long as Kristin has been alive.

Cannabis is okay. It’s not a drug that obliterates me like alcohol does. It slows my mind in a pleasant way. It allows me to focus on one thing at a time, like the songs Kristin wants me to listen to on Song Night.

When we had our first parties, way back when she was six, Kristin wanted to play board games, not listen to songs. She and I played Sorry! and Trouble until nine thirty every Wednesday night, when she had to go to bed. After the board game phase, we played video games: Knights and Bikes, Heave Ho. She turned ten, eventually, and got obsessed with The Sims. She wanted to find out what would happen if she led a Sim into a room and removed all the doors. It’s what Edgar Allan Poe would have done if he’d had access to a Sim.

We found out what would happen. The Sim starved to death.

Kristin laughed. I didn’t.

Okay, I did. I laughed a lot, actually—mostly because Kristin was laughing so hard it was infectious.

For about five years in there, our parties were suspended. Kristin was caught in the throes of puberty, a phenomenon that occurs among many teenagers. She went from being a little girl to being a stranger who hated me and Clara and wanted us to be miserable from the moment we woke up to when we went to bed.

But Kristin’s was a regularly scheduled animosity: puberty is an evil spirit that visits all children as soon as they’re no longer children. When it came to our house and brought its discord, no one was surprised. We were just hurt. For years. Like we’d never been hurt before.

We get along better now. Kristin and I have parties again, but they’re not like they once were. They’re shorter now, and they’re not really parties; they’re Song Night.

I was surprised when she said she wanted to resume our parties. At fifteen, she told me she’d always hated our parties, even when she was six. She’d only agreed to attend them because she felt sorry for me, because I didn’t have friends and she could tell how pathetic I was.

It wasn’t true. I have friends. I’ve always had at least one friend. But I am insecure about everything, and Kristin had found some exposed flesh. She dug the knife in and twisted it like her hormones told her to do, for I was her father, and I had to be diminished.

Now on Song Night, Kristin sits on the basement floor with her loser dad. We take turns playing songs for one another. I’m glad we didn’t do this when she was younger. Her taste in music isn’t perfect, just as mine isn’t, but it’s better than when she listened to songs made for people whose brains hadn’t fully developed yet.

Now she listens to MIA. It was one of the first revelations of Song Night. I knew some MIA songs—but not “Bingo,” until Kristin played it for me. It is one of the woman’s best tracks, and I never knew. When I asked where she found it, she said, “Greta showed it to me.”

Greta is her best friend. They’ve known each other since they were eight.

But at our most recent Song Night, I had to ask Kristin a different question: Where did she get the idea that she should smoke marijuana?

I knew the answer. It’s the same answer the kid gave his dad in an antidrug commercial I saw on TV forty times a day in the 1980s: “From you, Dad. I learned it from watching you.”

I had noticed that Kristin’s eyes looked red. I asked her why that was. She said she had been scratching them. Her eyes were itchy. That was all.

I kept watching her. I observed that when we talked, she appeared to be on a one-second delay.

I asked Kristin point-blank if she was high. She shrugged and said yes. Then I asked her my question: What had possessed her to take up smoking marijuana?

She said, “Why are you calling it that?”

“Because that’s what it’s called. It’s what it is.”

“But when you talk about it when you’re not mad, you call it ‘cannabis.'”

“Kristin.”

“Dad.”

“When did this start? You doing this?”

“Six months ago. I learned it from you.”

There it was.

“Don’t say you learned it from me,” I said. “Please.”

“It’s okay, Dad.”

“No, it is not. Not at all.”

“But then, what? It’s okay when you do it?”

“I’m middle-aged. No one cares what happens to my brain. It’s too late for me and my brain. Yours is fresh. You still have a chance.”

We were silent for a half-minute, Kristin leaning back against my record collection.

What was I feeling? Shame? It was something like shame, but I also knew this wasn’t such a big deal. Teenagers get high. They’ve been doing it since at least the 1960s. They probably did it in the 1860s. And why shouldn’t they? Sure, they should take care of their internal organs, but then, everything causes cancer, now that the world is a trash heap. Even the water we drink causes cancer, as does the air we have no choice but to breathe. And it’s not like teenagers have urgent business to attend to that being stoned would prevent them from addressing properly. They should probably be high all the time, since in the years ahead, there’s nothing but dullness awaiting them and people they won’t like having to deal with but who are somehow in charge of whether they keep their jobs and how much money they’ll make.

She said, “Do you want to hear my song or not?”

I grunted. She took it as a yes.

She played a song she’d discovered on Spotify called “Run Cried the Crawling” by Agnes Obel. It was atmospheric, with piano and strings and Obel’s breathy Scandinavian vocals all mixed in the same aural pot.

It’s a song that walks around you in a circle, never coming close enough that you can touch it, always out of reach.

“It’s a great song to hear when you’re lit,” Kristin said when it ended.

“Come on,” I said. “Don’t talk like that.”

“Am I wrong?”

“I don’t care if you’re wrong, Krissy. I don’t want to hear you say those kinds of words.”

“What kind of words?”

“‘Lit,'” I sneered.

She laughed.

“I have failed,” I said. “I’m the worst father in the world.”

I felt like such a fool. The song I’d played for her prior to her song was “The Shore” by Corrina Repp. It’s another song that’s even better when you’re high, with those vocals that sound like they emerged from the Marianas Trench—like she’s channeling something ultrahuman—and her guitar tone that has bounced off asteroids on its way to your sad little ears.

To be fair, all songs sound better when you’ve been smoking. It’s like what Ralph Ellison’s unnamed and unseen narrator says at the start of Invisible Man, when he describes listening to Louis Armstrong after smoking a marijuana cigarette.

I ended Song Night early. I was high and felt sleepy, and I was mad at Kristin for doing something I had to admit I’d been doing for a long time, often in her vicinity, which meant I had normalized it for her and it was all but inevitable that she’d take up the habit herself.

The next morning, Kristin was in the kitchen, ready to go to high school. The daily shit show. I came up and looked in her eyes.

She said, “What?”

“You know what.”

Clara was taking a shower. Kristin was standing, eating toast, taking small bites like she always has. Her mouth is pretty small.

She said, “Are you checking to see if I’m high?”

“Are you?” I asked. “High?”

“No.”

“Are you going to get high with Greta before school?”

“No.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“We’re not getting high before school. We tried it once, and she hated it.”

“But you didn’t hate it.”

“No. I did not.” She bit toast and said, munching, “School is terrible.”

“I know it is. It’s school.”

“And getting high makes it easier to deal with how bad it is.”

“You’re a straight-A student.”

“I know. Exactly. It’s fine.”

We heard Greta’s car horn. Kristin shoved the rest of the toast in her small mouth and fled.

I wasted no more time. I went to the bedroom and swung open the bathroom door.

Clara jumped. She yelped. “What,” she cried, “the fuck, John?”

She was naked, putting lotion on herself, her skin like cream and the lotion literally cream. She has perfect legs, a flat stomach. Clavicles straight from heaven.

Clara wasn’t mad that I could see her naked. We’ve been together twenty-one years. She was mad that I’d scared the shit out of her by banging the door open. I hadn’t surprised her that way in a long time.

But my god, Clara looks good without clothes. My freaking god.

She said, “What do you want, John?”

I said, “Kristin gets high.”

“What?”

“Kristin. She smokes marijuana.”

“You mean cannabis. That’s what you usually call it. You always say they only ever called it ‘marijuana’ because they wanted it to sound foreign and dangerous.”

I didn’t know what to say.

Applying a different lotion now to her naked face, which jostled her breasts, because her arms moved a certain way, Clara said, “Are you trying to make our daughter sound foreign and dangerous?”

I said, “Aren’t you mad about it?”

“I’m not happy about it.” She squinted at herself. “I don’t know if I’m mad.”

“Well, what are you, then?”

“I’m your gorgeous, aging wife. Oh, come on. Don’t look at me that way.”

“I just don’t understand how you’re so—”

“So what?”

“You don’t seem to care.”

“I care! I do. It’s just—I don’t know. I smoked pot when I was fourteen. I’ve told you that. Do you have an erection?”

“I do. Yes. You’re beautiful.”

“Well, shut the door. I can’t help you with that right now.”

In the kitchen, both of us clothed, neither of us still lugging an engorged sex organ, we had our second cups of coffee.

“You look worried,” I said.

She said, “I’m not worried.” After a pause: “Okay, I am. I don’t know. This isn’t great.”

“It’s not great,” I agreed. “But how bad is it?”

“It’s not that bad.”

“At least Krissy’s not doing heroin. That we know of.”

“I’m pretty sure she is not into heroin.”

“Or meth. That would be bad.”

“I tried meth when I was seventeen.”

“You did?”

“Yeah.” Clara shrugged. “A few times.”

“Well, no. No. You tried it once. After that, you weren’t just trying it anymore.”

“We need to have a conversation with her about this.”

“I already had one with her.”

“We need to have a better conversation. A real one. You know what I mean; don’t give me that look.”

I knew what she meant. Clara knew how to really talk, especially to Kristin.

So we worked all day, or most of the day. We work from home. We have office jobs without the offices. It’s great.

We cleared our late-afternoon schedules so we could intercept Kristin when she returned home. She walked in with her headphones on and found us sitting in the living room.

She stopped when she saw us and said, “You’re kidding me.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” Clara asked.

I said, standing, “Do you smoke crystal meth? Kristin. Tell us the truth.”

Greta came around the corner behind Kristin. “What’s up, guys?” she said.

I hadn’t expected her to be there. Neither had Clara.

Clara said, “Kristin, why are you wearing headphones when Greta’s here with you?”

Greta said, “We don’t like the same music. She keeps her headphones on in my car so she doesn’t have to hear mine.”

“You don’t talk to each other?”

Greta said, “Not with my music playing.”

“I’ve never even seen meth,” Kristin said, finally answering my question.

“I’ve seen meth,” said Greta. “Didn’t try it, though; they didn’t offer me any.”

“Greta,” I said, “you’re not even supposed to look at meth. Do you want some coffee?”

She did want some coffee. And I wanted to leave Clara and Kristin alone. They had to talk.

I went to the kitchen. Greta followed. I got a whole pot of coffee going. I mean, why not? I asked Greta how her day had gone.

“It was fine,” she said. “Is Kris in trouble?”

“Sort of. It’s complicated.”

“You know about the weed, then.”

“I guess you do it, too? Do your parents know?”

“No way. They’re not nearly as cool as you guys. They’re absolute freaks—in an uptight way, I mean. They get passionate about organizing closets.”

I wondered two things: How did Kristin talk about me and Clara when we weren’t around, and how did I not assume by now that Greta was getting my daughter high every morning before school? She had on a hemp necklace. She had a look in her eye that told you that even if she wasn’t stoned right then, she would be in the next forty-eight hours. Well, let’s be honest: the next four hours.

But wait a second.

I said, “How many times have you and Kristin smoked before school in the morning?”

“Just once.”

“Did she tell you to say that?”

“No. Did she say she would tell me to say that?”

“Greta, no. If she was going to tell you that, why would she tell me first?”

Greta shrugged.

I said, “Did you get Krissy started with this?”

“With smoking? No. She started on her own, with your stuff.”

I nodded. My head felt heavy. “She learned it from watching me. How long have you been doing it?”

“Shoot. Uh. Two years?”

“Has Kristin been doing it that long?”

“No. For her it’s been, like, less than a year. She doesn’t really do it that much.”

“She shouldn’t do it at all.”

“Probably not. It’s better than drinking, though. Our classmate died from drunk driving.”

“I remember.”

“And we don’t drive high. We’re really safe about it. What are you most afraid of, Mr. York?”

“What am I most afraid of?” I sighed.

“Yeah. You can tell me.”

Could I? Really?

Why not.

“I’m afraid,” I said, pouring Greta and myself mugs of coffee, “that my wife is only pretending to still love me.” It may seem strange, my sharing this with Greta, but I’m an open book, always. “I’m afraid that as soon as Kristin’s gone to college or she sees a different opportunity, Clara will drop me completely. Move out of the house or kick me out. And I’ll be all alone because it’s too late for me to go on dates, I’ve only looked worse every year since we met. And Kristin will blame me for the breakup, even if it’s not my fault. She’ll never talk to me again. It could happen literally any day.”

I sipped the coffee I had poured for myself.

“I meant,” said Greta, “what are you most afraid is going to happen to Kristin? Because of the weed thing.”

“Oh.”

“Are you really scared about all that? Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, Greta.”

“It’s so bleak.”

“I know it is. It’s my greatest fear. I thought that’s what you were asking me.”

I sipped more coffee. Greta sipped hers.

“Really, though,” she said, “what’s your worst-case scenario? For Kris?”

“There isn’t one. Or, that’s not true. I don’t want her getting into anything more serious than weed. I don’t want her smoking crack—or doing cocaine.”

“She’s not smoking crack. And no one does cocaine anymore.”

“My friend Jim does cocaine. He makes a lot of money, too. A lot more than I do.”

Before I followed that thought to its natural conclusion—that I should get my hands on some cocaine—Clara and Kristin entered the kitchen. Their eyes were puffed. They had been crying.

I said, “Is everything okay?”

Kristin gave me a big hug, the likes of which she hadn’t given me in a long time. She said, “I’m sorry, Daddy.”

I said, “It’s okay.” I patted her back. “I just want you to be safe. And make lots of money.”

“Fuck that,” she said, pulling back to wipe tears from her eyes.

It really was okay, though. I had already known it was more or less okay—”it” being our whole situation, or life, or whatever.

But that must have been the precise moment when I knew, definitively, that I didn’t care if Kristin smoked cannabis like her father and mother did. Yes, Clara smokes it, too, just not as often as I do.

As long as it didn’t interfere with other aspects of life, what difference did it make? As long as Kristin wasn’t high all the time, what was the harm?

Greta was right. Smoking cannabis was far better than drinking, which was a problem in my family and in Clara’s family. It killed her father and his parents, killed my aunt and uncle, nearly killed my sister before she quit and got religious. It’s far more dangerous to drink than it is to smoke weed. Whether they’re driving or operating heavy machinery, or just hanging out and trying not to break anything, I’d rather have a stoned person do it than a drunk one.

Anyway. That whole episode ended without anything really changing, but with everyone feeling better about the status quo. Kristin didn’t quit smoking, nor did I, nor did Clara. Nor did Greta, I guess.

We didn’t punish Kristin, because she outgrew punishments long ago. They never even worked in the first place. She was always the same impossible child after she was punished as she was before it.

The following week, we had another Song Night. It was better. I felt certain Kristin was high that time, again, but so was I.

She played for me “The Magic Number” by De La Soul, which I’d heard before, though I pretended I hadn’t. I played for her the first song from The Low End Theory by A Tribe Called Quest, and she liked it. She hadn’t heard it. Or she pretended not to have heard it, like I had with “The Magic Number,” the song that says three is the magic number because De La Soul has three guys in it.

Two nights later, that Friday, Kristin and Greta were in Kristin’s room for a while. When they emerged, Greta was holding something made of glass. It was purple, and at first I thought it was a sex toy, which made me feel like I was about to have a panic attack.

Then I saw it was a thing made for smoking stuff out of. Like tobacco.

“Hello?” Clara said, looking up from her phone.

We were watching Succession, but when the TV is on, no matter what we’re watching, Clara looks at her phone.

Kristin said, biting her lip, “Greta thinks we have to get high together.”

“I think it’s the only way,” Greta said.

“The only way to what?” asked Clara.

“To fix everything. Kris told me how tense you’ve all been since the other day.”

“What are you talking about?” I asked. “No one’s tense. We’ve been normal.”

“Exactly,” said Greta. “You’re tense people. I can feel it just standing here.”

Clara said, “Greta, do you talk to all your friends’ parents like this?”

“No,” she said. “You guys are cooler than other parents. Mine especially.”

I knew she was flattering us. I also knew it was true. Most parents are fucking idiots.

“Why,” asked Clara, “do you think us getting high together would be a good thing?”

“I just think it’ll, I don’t know, make things clearer? When you smoke with someone, you’re vulnerable with them. You let yourself be your realest self. You have to.”

She kept talking, but I didn’t pay attention.

I wouldn’t have the best memory of what she said even if I had been listening, because when she finally shut her mouth we all went to the back porch and smoked out of the thing she’d been holding on to.

It was, she said, a steamroller. I’d heard of them but never used one. The way it works is, there’s a hole at the end of the pipe. First you light the weed, cover the hole, and inhale. Then you uncover it and keep inhaling so that all the smoke that’s collected in the body of the steamroller rushes past your mouth into your lungs.

If you’d asked me last year if I would ever smoke weed with my daughter, wife, and daughter’s best friend, I would have said no. But Clara and I had been planning to share a joint halfway through Succession anyway. And it wasn’t like Kristin’s smoking was a secret anymore.

Once we were all sufficiently high, we went back inside and resumed Succession. Greta and Kristin sat with us, not on the couch but on the floor nearby.

“What is this show even about?” Kristin asked.

“Rich people who hate each other,” Clara said.

I said, “It’s like a highbrow version of those reality shows you watch. About wealthy people from the same family who all have massive problems. It’s funny.”

“It doesn’t seem funny,” said Greta.

“It just looks dark,” said Clara, “so it doesn’t seem funny at first. It takes a couple episodes to catch on.”

“It’s like Arrested Development,” I said, “but with a different tone.”

“What’s Arrested Development?” Greta asked.

Clara paused Succession. “Are you kidding me, Greta?”

“About what?”

It turned out, we actually were the worst parents ever, because we’d been raising Kristin for seventeen years and she hadn’t seen Arrested Development. Greta hadn’t either, obviously. So we switched over to Netflix, and Clara found the episode where Michael thinks his brother’s Colombian girlfriend is cheating on him with a guy named Hermano.

The show was as funny as the first time we watched it because for two of the people in our crew, it was the first time they’d seen it. Plus we were high, so for that reason it felt new. It was a good time, and it wasn’t weird like it was a week later, when Greta returned to our house.

She’d been to our house several times in the interim. She comes over a lot.

Clara went to answer the doorbell, saying, “I bet I know who that is”—and found, when she opened the door, that it wasn’t only the Greta she expected, but also the man and woman who had brought her into the world. Greta’s parents.

They really aren’t cool parents.

I mean, I’m not cool. Not at all. Every truly cool person in the world would agree that Clara and I are, despite the flora we smoke, pretty square. But those two are at a whole other level. A squarer one. Like, if we are squares, then they are cubes. Jake and Susan.

They’re tall, like Greta, and blond like Greta. Jake smiles a lot, Susan doesn’t. She wears braces and possibly doesn’t like to smile because she’s shy about wearing braces at age forty-six or whatever.

Like me and Clara, they are products of the Midwest, but unlike us they never left. They have blue eyes and look like they shop for clothes at a little-known boutique called Casual Church Picnic.

Clara said, “Oh!” when she saw all three of them standing there. Three.

The magic number.

“Hello,” said Jake, Greta’s dad, as he walked in. “Greta said you had something to tell us.” Jake is a direct person. He is friendly and good-natured. Direct, though. When he comes to the house, he just walks in.

He didn’t sound upset. He sounded curious to know what Greta had been talking about. Which Clara was, too, just like I was, as I walked into the living room to join them all, having no clue what was going on.

Clara turned to me as I approached and said, “Do I have something to tell them?” brushing her hair back with one hand like Helen Hunt.

“Actually,” Greta said, “Mom? Dad? I’m the one who has something to tell you.” She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, opened her eyes. “I didn’t make those chocolates I gave you on the way here. I lied about that.”

“Okay,” said Jake. “Who made them?”

“What are you talking about?” asked Susan.

“I don’t know who made them,” Greta said. “Like, I don’t know what guy it was. Or lady. My friend got them at the dispensary.”

Susan squinted. “What dispensary? What is that?”

Oh, no, I thought. Oh, fucking no.

I said, though I didn’t want to say it, “A dispensary is where you buy cannabis products. Now that it’s legal.”

Susan said, “What are you saying?”

Jake said, “Did you feed us drugs?”

Clara said, “We didn’t know about this. We had no idea. Greta, my god, what were you thinking?”

“We got stoned here last week,” said Greta. “All four of us. We watched this crazy old show.”

Arrested Development is not old,” I said, and then thought maybe it was.

Jake’s face was bright red now that he’d had a second to process his situation. He took Greta by the arm and said, “We are going home.”

“No, we’re not,” she said, pulling away. “You can’t drive with twenty-five milligrams of THC in your system.”

I said, “Jesus Christ, Greta. Twenty-five?”

She nodded.

“Each?”

She kept nodding.

Susan’s face was white. “Is that a lot?” she asked.

“Yes,” Clara said. “It’s way too much.”

Jake said, “I don’t feel anything. Is this a practical joke?”

“It takes a while to take effect,” said Clara. “You can’t drive home. It’ll hit you soon. Oh, god. Come sit. I’ll get you water.”

Jake said, “I’m fine. I’m not staying here. Greta, come on. Let’s go.”

I said, “It really is dangerous, to drive when you’re high.”

“I’m not high!”

“Jake, I’m sorry. You’re going to be high soon.”

“I don’t do drugs,” he said, looking at Susan. “We don’t do drugs.”

“You do now,” Greta said.

Was she trying to get herself killed?

“Is this something you people do?” Jake asked.

“Drug people?” I said. “Without their consent? Absolutely not.”

“He means,” said Clara, “do we use cannabis.”

“Oh,” I said. “Yeah, we do that a lot. It’s great.”

“I’m scared,” said Susan.

“Don’t be scared,” said Greta. “It’s beautiful. You’re about to have the time of your life.”

“Bullshit,” Jake barked.

“It’s really not going to be any fun,” I said. “You’ll be lucky if you’re not comatose in twenty minutes.”

“He’s exaggerating,” Clara said, “and that’s not helpful, John. You’ll be fine, you just have to ride this out.”

Susan asked, “How do you know so much about marijuana?”

“We don’t know that much,” I said.

Clara said, “We’ve been smoking for a long time.”

Jake sat on the couch and shook his head.

Was he feeling it yet?

It was strange. These parents were older than us by several years, but they had no experience with this controlled substance that when I was growing up was a rite of passage. Everyone smoked weed at some point, even if it was to try it and find out they didn’t like it.

Where the hell had these two been? Had they never in their lives gone to a party?

No, I thought. Probably not.

They looked frightened and angry. Susan sat with her hands clenched between her knees. Her eyes darted around the room like we might have on one of our walls a blacklight poster of a languid wizard holding a long pipe out of which he’s smoking some uncertain substance, with a dragon standing behind him, also smoking a pipe. Weed art, I mean, the likes of which you’d expect to see on the walls of college dorm rooms.

But we didn’t have any art on our walls. We did have a clock.

“It’s going to be all right,” I said, sitting in the chair nearest to them while Clara brought them glasses of water. “It’ll be intense, but it’s like having too much to drink. It messes with your mood, and you feel bad. Then it’s over. You’re back to normal. It’s easy to forget that once it’s over, you’ll get your life back.”

Jake looked at me like he didn’t know what to say.

“It might even be kind of fun,” I said, “before it gets bad.”

Clara said, “I can drive you home once you level off. I just don’t think you should be in a car when it hits you.”

“Why not?” asked Susan.

“Oh, I don’t know,” Clara said. “You might throw up.”

“Cars are the worst place to throw up,” I said. “I’ve done it.”

“I don’t think they need to hear details about that,” Clara said, which was smart because I was about to offer details. “The best thing is to go home and sleep through it.”

“You’ll probably wake up feeling normal,” I said, “and you’ll have had the best night’s sleep of your life.”

Then I had an idea. I asked if they’d ever watched Arrested Development.

“Of course,” said Susan. “What does that have to do with anything?” After she said that, she gazed into the middle distance, as if she could watch the words she’d spoken float across the room.

It was happening. She was beginning to be high.

It was good to learn that we all had one thing in common. We hadn’t tried the same drugs, and they might vote for all the wrong people, but at least we’d watched one of the same TV shows. I said, “It helps to have something to focus on.” I went to Netflix again, found the show again. “I mean, there’s a reason why when people get stoned, they veg out on the couch. Weed and TV are a grand combination.”

Jake was glaring at Greta. “I still don’t feel anything,” he said.

“I feel something,” Susan said, watching her own hand.

As the show began, I remembered something.

“Do we still have those CBD tablets?” I asked Clara. “The ones your sister gave you?”

She said, “I think so. Why?”

“Because CBD helps.”

“How would it help?”

“It’s one of the active chemicals in cannabis,” I told everyone, like I was giving a public service announcement. “THC makes you high, CBD makes you sleepy. It calms you, and when you add it to your system, it kind of neutralizes the THC.”

Clara said, “I don’t have any idea what you’re talking about.”

I said, “I don’t really, either. I just know that the weed strains they put in chocolates like the ones you had are all THC, and if you want to not be as high as you’re about to be, you take CBD. Or chew peppercorns.

“It’s true. Neil Young says so, anyway. If you get too high, chew peppercorns. Scientists say CBD is better, but honestly, in the world of weed wisdom, Neil Young outranks all scientists. It’s never worked for me, though. It just made me taste pepper.”

Susan said, “You mean I have to take more of this stuff if I want to feel normal?”

I said, “Oh, no. You won’t be feeling normal for a while. I just mean, take CBD if you want to be able to stand up in an hour.”

“John,” said Clara, “why don’t you go find the CBD capsules?”

I went to the basement and found the bottle of CBD capsules. When I brought it upstairs, I could feel the tension in the room. I tried to melt it with a joke. I said, “I just got off the phone with High Times. They want you two on their next cover, isn’t that crazy?”

But no one found my joke funny. I didn’t know how much CBD to give them, so I gave them each a capsule.

I think it helped. In the half hour that followed—which we all spent watching Arrested Development with less mirth than the last time we’d watched it—neither of them had a stroke or whatever happens when you take enough THC to give an elephant bloodshot eyes. They merely sat still and didn’t say anything.

Greta asked if the rest of us should get high, in solidarity with her parents.

Jake growled to indicate that he did not want her to do that.

Heather Graham was on the TV when Greta turned to me and asked, “Did you talk to Clara about her leaving you?”

Clara was sitting between me and Greta. “What did you say?” she asked.

“It’s nothing,” I said.

“It’s not nothing,” said Greta. “I think you should talk about it.”

“Greta,” I said, “what the hell has gotten into you?”

“She’s always like this,” Kristin said. “What is she talking about?”

“Yeah,” said Clara, “what is this about, John? What did you do?”

“Nothing,” I said. “I did nothing.”

Greta turned to Clara and said, “He’s scared you’re going to leave him. It’s his greatest fear.”

“How do you know that?”

“He told me,” she said. “I thought you would have talked about it by now.”

“Why would we talk about it?” I said.

“Because you have to. It festers if you don’t. Like a dead animal.”

“It’s true,” said Susan, eyes glued to the screen. “You have to talk about stuff. Or it’s dead animals.”

Greta laughed. “Oh, man,” she said.

“Why are you afraid I’ll leave you?” Clara asked me. “What did you do?”

“Yeah, Dad,” Kristin said. “What did you do?”

“Nothing,” I said. “I did nothing. I’m just scared you’ll leave.”

“Why, though?”

“Because it’s what people do.”

Jake was looking at me. “Not everyone does it,” he said.

“I know that.”

“Oh, god,” he said. “Oh, god.”

I said, “What?”

“Does my voice always sound this way? Am I like this all the time?”

“No,” Clara said. “Well, yes. But you’re going to be fine.” To me, she said, “John, I’m not going to leave you. Why would I do that?”

“I don’t know,” I said. “Things are changing all the time. Kristin is growing up. She’s going to leave soon. People split up when that happens. And I’m scared.”

“Well, I’m scared, too,” she said, and she reached across Greta and held my hand. “We’re scared together, like always. I don’t want that to change. Kristin can leave or stay; it won’t affect how I feel about you.”

I nodded. “Okay,” I said and felt something welling up in me.

“See?” said Greta, patting my shoulder. “It helps to talk about things.”

“Greta,” I said, sweeping a hand through my hair in frustration.

“You really need to learn boundaries,” said Clara.

“Maybe I do,” Greta said, “but I got you two talking, didn’t I?”

The episode ended. Only Susan had been paying attention. It was time for us to drive these people home.

Jake and Susan had eyes as red as stop signs, and when they stood, they did it slowly. The CBD must have helped, because they weren’t lying on the floor, drooling, speaking in tongues, or doing all three at once.

Clara would drive them back in their car. I would follow in my car and bring Clara home. Clara, I was certain, would apologize to them all the way that they’d had to go through this. She might help them into their house. If they let her, she’d help them into their bed, where they’d sink into the mattress and leave behind their waking nightmare for a series of literal nightmares that would play out behind their eyes until they awoke together, groggy but otherwise okay.

Kristin said she’d ride in the car with me.

“Why?” I said. “You hate my car.”

“Because,” she said, “it’s Wednesday night.”

“Far out, Krissy. Just stay here.”

“It’s Song Night, Dad.”

“You want to have Song Night in the car?”

“I don’t know. Yeah.”

I shrugged. “All right,” I said. It was good enough for me.

We got in my 2008 Honda Accord—it’s really an awful car; I don’t blame Kristin for how she feels about it—and she plugged the aux cable into her phone.

A few seconds later, as we pulled away, I heard fuzzy white noise—then a drum, a guitar, a keyboard, and someone going, “Bu-bu-da-dum” over and over again.

It was, I learned later, “I Am the River” by Lael Neale. I hadn’t heard it before.

She sang that she was the river. She sang some other things. And the song was like the fastest, saddest, most desperate anthem of all time. She cried out that like a river, we were all moving.

I wasn’t high, but the music moved through me as if I were. And the car was moving, too, so the song was moving with the car, and everything was moving.

By the third verse, I had a feeling I have had but which I almost never have. It was the feeling of knowing you’re hearing a song that’s telling you about the time you’re living in, that shows you where you are on the map of your unfinished life. It sticks a pin in the world and says, “Look. Pay attention.”

Lael Neale reminded me of something: that people are not the same right now as they were five minutes ago or five seconds ago. There’s no such thing as static electricity. There’s no such thing as a static person. Everyone is changing every moment of every day. They’re hearing songs that make their minds turn on a dime. They’re getting dosed with recreational drugs by young women who only exist because of them.

People leave each other. They stay together. No matter what they do, they’re never the same as they were. They are always moving downstream.

Would I have preferred it if none of this had happened? Would I have liked it more if Kristin didn’t smoke weed? If she’d never taken up the habit?

Of course I would have preferred that. The whole situation was weird. Everything was strange. I would have liked for my little girl to never touch the stuff I smoked. I would have preferred that she get into fitness and nutrition. But I’m nothing like that, myself. I hate fitness and nutrition. Why would she be into that stuff? Being into that stuff sucks ass.

And wishing Kristin could go back to not smoking weed is like how I wish she could be a baby again, for just a few minutes sometimes. I would hold her like I did when she was three months old and on the day she was born. I would feed her mushy peas and press my thumb against the bridge of her nose. But there’s no going back to that. It’s all gone.

Kristin was gone, even though she was right beside me.

She cried so hard when she entered the living world. I stood by as she was born, one of the first to lay eyes on the crown of her little bald head. Starting that instant, I wanted to spend all the time I had left reassuring her that life would be okay, even when it wasn’t, even if she would have to keep moving all the time and never stop, like the woman who insists she is a river and has written a song that proves it.

“What do you think?” asked Kristin. “Wait. Shit. Why are you crying, Dad?”

I shook my head. “A lot of things are too much. All the time.”

“What?”

“It’s a good song.”

“It’s not that good.”

“Do you know how I used to go out a lot? Like, to have coffee and read books? I don’t do that anymore. I can’t anymore.”

“Like, as of right now?”

“No. Never mind.”

I didn’t even know what I was talking about.

I hadn’t gone to read in a coffee shop in a long time. I used to love to have coffee among people I didn’t know and read books I liked. But I hadn’t done it lately, I hadn’t wanted to, and I understood that little change to be a sign of how I’m always changing, despite how I stay mostly the same, across the years, plus or minus some extra pounds I’ve gained and the lines that have crept across my face.

Now I had to play a song for Kristin. That was the deal.

I didn’t have one prepared, and I couldn’t think. So I held the phone up to my mouth and told it to play “Stars and Stripes Forever” by John Philip Sousa.

I turned the volume up loud. Kristin looked at me like I’d lost my mind. And somehow, despite everything that was wrong and could never be fixed, I felt great. I was great. I was a river, one that could never be dammed or contained.

***

Robert Long Foreman wrote the novel Weird Pig and the short story collection I Am Here to Make Friends. His work has been in AGNI, Electric Literature, Cincinnati Review, and other magazines. He lives in Kansas City and at www.robertlongforeman.com.